Too Many Mimosas!!!

Heidi Melia is a hooker. She charges 75 cents for a blow job. For an extra dollar, she'll let you probe her anus with an unsharpened pencil.

Therein lies the problem. First, it's an established fact that Heidi doesn't suck cock. Second, (although for just a dollar, it's worth the money) who in their right mind would want to probe her anus with an unsharpened pencil?

Luckily, I have a really powerful computer on loan from NASA. I entered the above information into my new computer and after stuttering for a while and spewing smoke, it came up with this answer (and I quote):

"Lips bring pleasant folks the anus of infinity."

Followed by:

"Fuck while you can; the flacid, they die."

So there's that, for what it's worth.

Spotted!!!

Sunshine and Liz are away on vacation. They're in Vegas. Is it just me, or does Sunshine actually look pregnant in this picture? It's hard to tell. If she's planning on having a baby, she needs to move to Utah where it can grow up and be a mormon in peace.

Also, I'm very excited about the new shopping venue opening in NOLA. It's called the French Market and it is a place where you can buy fruits and vegetables from abroad and, if the right boat comes in, you can get some slaves, fresh from Africa!

God Bless the USA!!!

Archibald's Election Guide

Well, okay, it's not mine, but it's certainly helpful, especially for an alien like myself. Finally, now I know who I'm dealing with.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html

Hope this helps!

Just to make Mardi Gras Big Brother more fun

Booohhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Beer probably doesn't like this idea very much.

Weekend One, Done

Yes, Pat. I would like to buy a vowel. Can I have an "E?"

I would like to paint a picture of this weekend for all of my devoted readers, but I am a terrible painter. Regardless, I can attest to the fun that is Carnival, even when it's overcast and cold. And do you want to know why? One word: Mimosas. Greatest invention ever.

Another tidbit: The Research Scientist is addicted to champagne. She carries bottles of the stuff in her car, "Just in case." This suits me just fine, as I have now found myself stocking the refrigerator with an unlimited supply of orange juice.

The hamsterfish and Heidi meltdown day is fast approaching. The over / under on time spent without bloodshed is holding firm at 23 minutes. Mr. Beer has already started taking volunteers for his blood drive in order to replenish the combatants when they are sent to their corners.

Also, in another side bet in Vegas, the odds of Wren punching me in the nuts currently sits at 2/1. If I were a betting man, I'd take those odds.

Sex!!!!!!

My Upcoming Weekend

So, after work today, the research scientist is planning on spending the weekend with yours truly, the baddest bird in the 504, Archibald. As many of you know, it's Mardi Gras time and with this being the first weekend of parades, much celebrating is to be had.

Tonight's parades are Oshun and Pygmalion. It's going to be nice and cold outside and research scientists are well known for clinging to their favorite birds when the temperature gets chilly. I welcome this, as this means she will be close enough to fetch the many beers I will surely be requesting. Mush camel!

After speaking with Mr. Beer, I have decided that Big Brother, Mardi Gras Style should have one more obstacle to make things more interesting: Heidi's brother, Chauncey, should show up unannounced and rip roaring drunk. He should sit out on the front porch and yell obscenities to all of the passers by and then offer to fry them turkeys.

Finally, I would like to congratulate Simon the Burly Soldier, who returned from war last night just in time to explain to Sunshine that she is not pregnant, but just plain fat. Poor Sunshine! But good job, Simon! Sunshine's delusions of parenthood were bound to cause her to do something extreme, like buy a minivan, and that would be just plain depressing.

Hello, and Happy Mardi Gras.

Big Brother, Mardi Gras Style

Encephalitis Pete, currently drilling for oil in the North Sea, had a fantastic idea for the comings and goings at Coliseum and Cadiz: We should set up cameras and have a live vote every night, whether to let them stay or vote to evict. But I say let's make it even better. We can also vote to evict the homeowner!!! Now that ups the stakes. Or, we can evict only one or two of the children and send them to social services for the duration of Carnival. Or the cat. Or, we can make it messy and vote to evict the washing machine, the shower nozzles and the sinks.

I give the whole enterprise 24 hours, myself, but a bird has been known to be wrong from time to time.

Tonight

Well, boys and girls, it looks like the research scientist is coming for a visit this evening. We're going to "hang out."

Also in the news, Encephalitis Pete, currently offshore in the North Sea near Scotland, is planning on being in the NOLA area from Tuesday until Mardi Gras day. He has requested the childless Sunshine make an appearance, but since she's delusional, it's probably not going to happen.

Also, I'm nearly finished reading Absurdistan. It's not nearly as good as I had expected (considering the glowing reviews) and I don't think I'll recommend it to any of my friends. Sure, it can be funny, but some of the jokes get repetitive. And sometimes it's just plain disgusting, and not in a funny way.

However, I just started reading The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. It's starting off as a very promising novel.

Also on the reading (it's my current e-book) list is What is the What? by Dave Eggers. It's nothing like anything he's ever done. It's a novel but also basically the autobiography of one of the "Lost Children" of Darfur and is absolutely heartbreaking, uplifting and an unbelievable education on the genocide taking place (still to this day) in Sudan. I'm about a third of the way through and am already recommending this one.

Mardi Gras is coming

No, I have not turned green and orange, and, no, I have not learned how to play the purple saxophone. That being said, however, I am very much looking forward to the festivities starting this Friday. My research scientist will be hanging out this weekend, so if any of you are around, maybe I'll let you meet her, or maybe I won't.

In other news, I'm still a little worried about Sunshine. She's still claiming she has two kids and another on the way. And now she's even getting baby clothes in the mail and selling her house where she and Simon live comfortably in their three bedrooms. Why get a bigger house? It's not like they have any kids. My guess is that they plan on starting a counterfeit linens enterprise in BR and need the extra space for that. So for the love of God, Sunshine, quit with this illusion that you're a mother. We all know you can't have anything but Mormons, and the last time I checked, there weren't any dorks on bicycles circling your house.

Finally, there's a storm brewing at the corner of Cadiz and Coliseum. The Hamsterfish (aka Robert Knapp) has decided to invite the ex and the ex's husband to stay with he and his girlfriend for the second weekend of Mardi Gras. This is, quite possibly, the worst idea on the planet, even worse than Britney Spears decision to procreate. I will be posting many updates on the comings and goings, but I predict blood.

It was a very good weekend, indeed!

Friday night, Archibald met a girl, a research scientist. Needless to say, feathers flew! We spent the weekend together and many mimosas were consumed.

A post for Sunshine

SCARY!!!!!!!

Christmas on Earth

Last night's dream:

The setting was beautiful Biloxi Beach, circa 1972, except it was a lot more like Atlantic City. I was staying in a huge skyscraper. The hotel had a fabulous, wood paneled bar, way up at the top of the building so you were overlooking the people on the beach. Kept running into people who I knew I'd run into but wasn't really in the mood to commisserate with. Once on the beach, the waves were hugely unpredicitable. While this scared most of the other people in the water, for me, it was fun; body surfing, it seemed, had become my greatest art, and I looked forward to bigger and bigger swells so I could glide toward the shore at higher and higher speeds.

I returned to the hotel only to find that the bar had become packed with people. Ran into a girl I used to know but couldn't remember her name. She was in a green velvet dress and I was so pissed I counldn't remember what her name was, because she was a beautiful bird. She knew my name. Damn.

It's Christmas in the 4th Dimension

And here's what the little boys and girls are busy doing:

Missing

Everyone, please, please, Jenny Kogos has gone missing. Please, please, if you see her anywhere, let the authorities know!!! Hopefully this picture will help.

Love,

Archibald

The end has come for LSU

National Champion LSU Retires At The Top Of Its Game

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/national_champion_lsu_retires_at

Mobile Meth Lab Returns!

My band is releasing a greatest hits album, once my old bandmate gets off his ass and makes the damn thing. Anywhoo, here is the artwork for the cover. Special thanks to Simon the Burly Soldier for playing the part of the child.

What not to cook

So, I had some leftover jambalaya my friend Luigi made, but I wasn't in the mood for jambalaya. So, I decided, why not make a crab cake out of jambalaya? I did.

Think fried spam. Very bad idea. Food-processed jambalaya in any form is putrid.

But the sauce I made for it was DELICIOUS.

Anyhow, here's a picture of Sunshine and Liz from back in fifth grade. Don't they look young?

Sunshine's Quiz

1. Do you still have tonsils? no

2. Would you bungee jump? that's the closest i ever get to flying.

3. If you could do anything in the world for a living what would it be? be a champion nipple tester

4. How many tattoos do you have? 0

5. Your favorite fictional animal? Hamsterfish

6. One person that never fails to make you laugh? Sunshine

7. Do you consider yourself well organized? what me?

8. Any addictions? scotch, vodka, orange juice, nipples

9. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? Sunshine

10. Would you rather go to a carnival or circus? Circus. The carinval might have mimes.

11. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? an oyster

12. Best movie you've seen this year? what's a movie? Oh, you mean like Dallas...

13. Favorite alcoholic drink? Screwdriver

14. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? russle my feathers

15. Siblings? What is a sibling?

16. (make up your own question here) Why do children bury beef jerkys in the sand? It's great for me, because they're scruptious, but why would they give up their beef jerkys? Is it to appease the sand Gods?

17. Have you ever gone to therapy? The Rapist?

18. If you could have one super power what would it be? Flying!!!!!

19. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? No, but I've eaten some.

20. Have you ever gone camping? yes

21. Gas prices! First thought? You have to pay to fart?

22. Your favorite cartoon character? Bullwinkle

23. What was your first car? I am not a licensed driver.

24. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? I try not to think in terms of dates.

25. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? Simpsons

26. Do you go to church? Only on the days they're serving wine.

27. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? J.R. Ewing

28. What errand/chore do you despise? Cleaning

29. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? What is an alarm.

30. Last time you puked from drinking? Alcohol does not make me sick.

31. What is your heritage? I am from another planet

32. Favourite flower? Whatever flower makes scotch

33. Disney or Warner Bros? Warner Bros.

34. What is your best childhood memory? I was on the second moon of Blimpton. I had taken the shape of a nemotode and accidentally infected one of the heads of a three headed Mormon Moose with syphilis. The other two heads disapproved greatly.

35. Your favorite potato chip? salt and vinegar chips

36. What is your favorite candy? Screwdrivers

37. Do you burn or tan? My feathers are SPF 9000

38. Astrological sign? Cancer

39. Do you own a gun? No.

40. What do you think of hot dogs? I think they are scruptious, especially on a bed of beef jerky shavings.

Thursday is for Lovers

Hi, all! Just wanted to let all of my loyal readers know that I had a dream last night that I was playing scrabble at the United Nations. I beat the crap out of the guy from Burma but lost a close one against the distinguished gentlman from Belgium. Damn those triple word scores!

It's been a while

Sorry about the length of time since my last post, but I had to go to the home planet for some Botox treatment. Anywhoo, I look like a much younger version of Archibald than before, so you might not recognize me if I'm not wearing my top hat and bow tie.

Well, 2008 has been quite exciting, to say the least! I got an email from Sunshine. She has been blogging under the pseudonym Katherine C. Her blog is located at surlywhitefemale.blogspot.com. Please feel free to send her many letters of encouragement because, at this moment, she is hallucenating that she has two children and is pregnant with another. Oh, that silly Sunshine! We all know that a woman with a Japanese mother is unable to give birth to anything other than Mormons.

In other news, the hamsterfish drank so much on New Years that he got sick for an entire week.

Also, Luigi cooked the most delicious jambalaya last night. It was so good that I might have caught a case of the heartburn. SPICY.

Okay, well, fear not. Archibald is back, and this time, there are going to be some feathers flying (but not me, sadly).