A Donut With No Hole is a Danish

Mitch Cumstein, my rooommate.

Another Cocktail

Jonathan Chandler, a.k.a. Jeff Menteur, a man whose sole purpose in life is to concoct newer and greater beverages for his fellow man (and woman), has come up with another. Here it is:

The Harvey, LA Wallbanger

Equal Parts:

Peach Nehi
Robitussin DM
K&B Vodka

1/2 Methodone Wafer

Serve over ice.

This cocktail tastes better at higher altitudes. Jonathan suggests you drink it on the roof of your house.

Boiled Meat

I am excited about cooking my corned beef brisket. I simmer it over low heat for about two hours with two packages of old school crab boil. You have no idea how tender and tasty this stuff comes out.

So, last night, when I was rifling through Natalie's car looking for the head of John the Baptist, it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to throw some SAUSAGE into the crab boil for the last 30 minutes or so with my corned beef. And then the brain went a-whirlin'. How about some red potatoes? Garlic? Onions? Mushrooms? Um, well, yes, so this is going to basically be a crawfish boil without the crawfish.

Sunshine, if you need me to send you some sausage in the mail, you just let me know and I'll have the USPS get it there sometime before next Christmas.

Oh, I almost forgot: Sunshine and Natalie are hosting a birthday party in my honor on Sunday, June 22nd at the Baton Rouge Country Club. It's going to be a toga party and there will be pin the tail on the donkey and bobbing for apples. Thanks, Sunny and Nat. You're a couple of real peaches.

Seinfeld Episode

I had never seen this Seinfeld episode before, and I was nearly peeing on myself after watching it. So I thought I'd share.

Earhart Eyeopener, Part II

It appears I was given some misinformation as to the proper ingredients to the Earhart Eyeopener. Jonathan emailed me and offered the following:

• 1/2 Pineapple Big Shot cold drink
• 1/2 Pabst Blue Ribbon
• 4 Mini Thins

I think the extra Mini Thins will open the eyes even more than the Red Bull.

Jonathan also offers a bit of lagniappe, Gentilly Iced Tea:

Equal parts Chocolate Soldier and Vodka ---- Serve Warm

Need a Pick-Me-Up?

If a Bloody Mary or a Mimosa just won't do it for you, try this recipe for the "Earhart Eye-Opener," courtesy of Jonathan Chandler:

• 1 part vodka
• 1 part Red Bull
• 2 Mini-thins

Mix vodka and Red Bull. Crush Mini-thins into a fine powder and stir into vodka / Red Bull mixture. Enjoy!

Songs in the Key of Emily

The Mormon Emily was born on Thursday. Turns out she was a lot more advanced a child than previously thought, as the picture below will illustrate:

Regardless, Sunshine is very happy to have given birth to a musical genius (and one who came out fully clothed at that!!!), but she's in a bit of pain, seeing as how her body wasn't quite built to have something Emily's size to come flying out of her vagina. Sunshine's a surly lass, however, and has no problem getting nice and comfortably numb on good, old-fashioned pain medication.

Hopefully, the Mormon Emily turns out to be as much of a musical genius as Rick Astley! Go get them, Em!

Baby Mormon Emily

Today is the day Sunshine gives birth to the Baby Mormon Emily. Congrats, Sunshine. I hope everything comes out all right.

Also in the news, today is the start of the NCAA tournament. What a day to give birth! After she squeezes the little tyke out, she can sit in her hospital bed and watch wall to wall college basketball! I'm thinking she planned the baby to coincide with the tourney. She's going to give up one basketball to watch another. Such symmetry, but that's my genius, the one and only Sunshine!

Sunshine's Favorite Song

The Mormon Emily

Baby Mormon Emily emailed me this picture from Sunshine's womb. As you can see, she's very confused, seeing as how she's both a Mormon and a child of Japanese heritage. It also shows how smart she is already, as the plunger on the bottom right of the picture is a warning to her mother: she's going to be pooing... a lot.

Happy day after St. Pat's.

Monkey

The Trouble With Simon

Sunshine and Simon the Burly Soldier have a new chair, which makes Sunshine happier than a clam in a shell. Unfortunately for poor Simon, he is not allowed to make use of the chair because of what happened to him in this picture. Poor Simon!

In other news from the Creech household, Seniorita Caroline is making great strides indeed! She's learned how to sew many different patterns of plaid and has hit her quota for two days straight! This means she got not just one tortilla for dinner, but also was alotted a thimble full of refried beans. Simon, of course, is not allowed beans, for reasons described in the picture above.

I am going to cook beer can chicken tonight. That is very exciting.

Love,
Archibald

The Replacements

I have the song, "I Will Dare," stuck in my head. So I thought I'd share some lyrics:

How young are you?
How old am I?
Let's count the rings around my eyes
How smart are you?
How dumb am I?
Don't count any of my advice

Oh, meet me anyplace or anywhere or anytime
Now I don't care, meet me tonight
If you will dare, I might dare

Call me on Thursday, if you will
Or call me on Wednesday, better still
Ain't lost yet, so I gotta be a winner
Fingernails and a cigarette's a lousy dinner
Young, are you?

Meet me anyplace or anywhere or anytime
Now, I don't care, meet me tonight
If you will dare, I will dare

Natalie Depp

Has a bad rep.

Food For Thoughtingsfull

After the track on Saturday (the Louisiana Derby, where I lost a good deal of money), my friends Emilee, Sara and I went to Port O Call for the burger and some Monsoons. Well, needless to say, after a day long afternoon of drinking and a Monsoon, throwing this awesome burger and the awesome potato that comes along with it on top of my already disturbed stomach made for an interesting evening of digestion. Most of my dreams revolved around me walking down the street with strange noises coming from my belly.

Anywhoo, I would also like to explain the fact that, now that Chelsea and Manchester United have both crashed out of the FA Cup, there is guaranteed to be at least one lower division team in the final at Wembley. I, for one, am pulling for both Barnsley and Cardiff (because Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink plays there).

Update: Barnsley and Cardiff drew each other in the semi-final, so only one of them will be going to the final.

Also, it has come to my attention that Natalie has a new pet Emu. I'm not sure how I feel about this, as Emus are cousins of the Ostrich and, well, I don't like the idea of being somebody's pet.

Lars is a great name for a girl, Sunshine. Just dropping a hint.

Natalie is also involved in something a little unsavory. It turns out that she has been shaving FM's (pronounced Knarf) back hair and knitting it into some kind of stocking cap. She plans on selling it on ebay, in a package deal along with a can of tuna (I haven't figured that one out yet, either). If I were her, I would offer a bag of marshmallows to go with the tuna, but, alas, I am not Gnat. (Be gentle to your emu).

Glands.

My hormones are leaking.

Archibald

Ham

Trying to decide what to do for lunch today. I do not think I will eat ham. I am thinking about eating sausage, but only if it's hot sausage and only if it's a poboy. I might consider eating pasta, but if it has ham in it, I will reconsider. Another option is a roast beef something or other. This I will consider.

Aside from that, I could also go to Chili's and have their awesome queso and follow that up with a big, fat burger. But Chili's usually sucks, so I probably won't.

There's Chevy's, but it blows.

I think I really want pizza. An update will follow my lunching excursion.

Sunshine's Growing Family

I have just learned from my friend Sunshine, that, as soon as she drops the Mormon Emily off in a bucket of water, she and Simon are planning on growing their rapidly expanding family, this time, she says, with twins.

"Why can Liz have twins and I can't?" she recently asked me. "It's not fair. Archibald, you know how much I love to make breakfast for my new adopted Central American children. I suddenly feel like I don't have enough mouths to feed."

While they haven't yet decided on names for the fraternal twins (again, Liz-jealousy), the early front-runners are:

Boy: Jesus (the spanish pronunciation-- Seniorita Caroline's idea)
Girl: Sun (after Sunshine's Japanese mother, Sun (pronounced "Soon")

Sunshine and Simon plan on starting their marathon sex / baby production sessions in the hospital within minutes after she drops off Emily the Mormon into the proverbial bucket of water.

They are SOOOO ready for more children.

More later.

Archibald

Archibald has an equal

What to have for Breakfast

Because of their special needs, Sunshine has had to look long and hard for an appropriate breakfast cereal for her new Central American children, William and Caroline. Thank Goodness she has finally found it! The kids really love the crispy tortillas and the ooey gooey goodness of the 100% artificial cheese sauce. The only problem is they do get a little soggy when she adds the milk, but the kids are used to eating as if every meal is their last, so with the exception of the last few bites, it seems to be working out perfectly.

Also, Seniorita Caroline has mastered English enough to where Sunshine hasn't completely decided to send her back, and although her sewing has improved, she's only added mock turtlenecks to her repetoire of thongs. But I think things are looking up.

Handsome William has already finished the family taxes and has recommended they find a nice tax shelter in the Caymans with all of the money they're going to get in their refund.

Finally, I have to report that Sunshine is, in fact, pregnant with a mormon. Her name is going to be Emily if it is a girl, or Schwartz if it is a boy. Let's cross our fingers and hope for a boy mormon, as we all know Emily is a TERRIBLE name.

Love,
Archibald

Twinkie Sushi!!!

It's amazing what one finds when one spends enough time on the internet. And now, a recipe for Twinkie Sushi:

Hostess Twinkies Sushi

Japanese animation, Hello Kitty, samurais, ninjas, and Sushi are really popular right now! Here"s a wild recipe that"s super easy to make and super fun to eat as a light and fruity snack! This recipe transforms the much loved Twinkie into a hip and tropical flavored treat.

Items Needed:
* 3 Hostess Twinkies
* Assorted dried fruits
* Assorted fruity candies
* 2 green fruit roll ups
* Dried mangoes (looks like pickled ginger)

DIRECTIONS: Slice Hostess Twinkies into pieces about an inch tall. Slice fruit roll ups in strips to the long enough and wide enough to wrap around the Hostess Twinkie pieces. Wrap the fruit roll ups around the Hostess Twinkie pieces. Place dried fruits and candies into the cream filling. Place Twinkie rolls on a plate or in a bento box. Garnish with strips of dried mango to resemble pickled ginger if you wish! Serve with chopsticks if you wish.

A Hot Dog for Sunshine

Sunshine's Dreams

I appeared in Sunshine's dream last night. This is, apparently, how she became pregnant with a Mormon (soon to be named Emily). Here is an excerpt from it, written by my friend Luigi Lucriccio:

Sunshine’s dreams, while often vivid and strange, rarely bring her out of her body in the manner of her current dream; she is floating high above the French Quarter, her hair badly misbehaving, flapping against her face, some of it getting caught in her mouth. She pulls and spits out the hair, but it returns, bringing with it a multitude of other objects: a miniature camera, a jelly belly, a cupcake wrapper and a barrette. When the latter appears, she quickly grabs it and uses it to hold her hair in place. Not in the mood for sweets, she drops the jelly belly and cupcake wrapper and watch as they both descend. The jelly belly falls straight toward the top of a minivan while the wrapper floats aimlessly about in the early morning air. She turns to her right and notices Archibald hovering nearby.

“It’s one of my favorite dreams,” he says.

Although Sunshine is surprised to see him here, she is happy for some company. “What is?” she asks.

“Flying. I dream about it all the time.”

“What do you mean you can’t fly? You’re a bird.”

“I’m an ostrich, and if you’re weren’t aware before, I am a flightless bird. Useless wings,” he says, stretching out his paltry wings, batting them in the air and shrugging his bird shoulders. “The only way I can get to high places is to run really, really fast and hope gravity doesn’t catch up with me.”

This makes Sunshine think about physics, a subject she would normally avoid. “Yeah, what’s up with this? I can’t fly either. How are we able to just hover up here like a couple of loons?”

“The miracle of the rapid eye movement sleep state. Anything is possible.”

“You mean, I can become an ostrich myself?” a suddenly experimental Sunshine asks.

“Let’s not go too far.”

“Let’s,” Sunshine says. She closes her eyes and flexes her brain muscles, but when she opens her eyes, she’s still human, still Sunshine. “Damn.”

“Unfortunately, we’re just passengers, or more appropriately, the marionette of our own personal puppeteer, whoever that happens to be. I’d like to think mine is J.R. Ewing, but, since he’s fictitious, that’s probably not the case.”

“There’s no one controlling my dream!” Sunshine yells, squinting harder, gnawing her jaws together, squeezing as hard as possible to turn herself into an ostrich. When she opens her eyes again, she is not an ostrich, but has, in fact, become the Met Life blimp.

“Well done, Sunshine,” she ostrich says, tipping his hat in her direction. “Now your filled with hot air, although that’s not too much of a stretch.”

“Very funny,” the blimp fires back, although she is no longer sure if she has the proper orifice to actually speak.