Breast Exams

Okay, usually I'm a little touchy on this subject since my mom had breast cancer, but this is quite hysterical. Make sure to check out the commentary at the bottom of the screen.

Found on the internet

more animals

What’s Delaying My Dinner?

This captioned cat picture postcard was found by Tracy Angulo in a Seattle antique store. Tracy tells us that the photograph is from 1905, which would make this officially the oldest cat picture with a caption, AKA lolcat, that we’ve seen.

The differences are clear. Proper grammar and a more formal tone was in vogue back then. But the similarities to modern-day kitten struggles and lolcats are amazing. ALL CAPS is still cool, but most importantly, she also no can has cheezburger. More than a hundred years later, all that’s changed is the spelling.

Evekitteh, we hope you got a good dinner.

Why the printer won't work

Cha Ching

Hamster on a Piano

Weekend Update

So, this weekend, Saturday, Archibald hit the gym and then immediately tried to work that off with a few cocktails from the Bulldog. I met a couple of lovely ladies named Jill and Lauren and spent the afternoon shooting the shit with total strangers. It was fun, fun, fun! I got some digits, but don't really expect anything to come from it.

That night, I grilled some alligator sausage (they have it at Breaux Mart but not at Rouse's) and it was spicy and lovely. I was pretty toasted, however, and think I might have it the hay before 8 p.m. Which screwed me up ROYALLY on Sunday because, of course, the time changes, so I was up, on a weekend, somewhere in the neighborhood of 6:30 a.m. I think I might be becoming my grandmother.

Anywhoo, so after a 9 a.m. visit to the gym, I drove my happy ass to Whole Foods. And do you know what I discovered there? Black Forest Bacon. WTF? Had to get some. Fried it up in a pan. Because I'm a woman, you know? Anywhoo, after eating a couple of strips, I decided that it would be a delicious day to make some extra special mashed potatoes with way too much cheese, sour cream, butter and bacon. DEEE-LICIOUS. I still have a bunch of it in my fridge. If anybody wants some, drop on by and I'll send you off with some delectable tupperware.

Wassup

I Love This Movie

Awesome parenting skills at work:

Awesome

I know I haven't been posting much stuff other than videos, but, well, not a lot has been going on. That being said, here's this:

Obama is Beautiful World

4 minutes of your life you will never have back. Thanks, Ted.

She's Baaaack!!!!!

Weekend?

Well, I dunno. What is there to do? The weather is supposed to be beautiful. Maybe golf. Maybe archery. Archery? Yeah, maybe not. That sounds kind of dangerous.

Had a creole tomato for dinner last night. DEEEElicious. Just sliced it up with a little salt and pepper. Yumsville. If you see any around, buy them up immediately. They're awesome right now and won't last long because the weather's about to get colder.

Markie Post. There. I said it.

Who wants to come over and barbeque at my house on Sunday? I'm planning on watching the Saints game until 3, and then after that, get the grill going in the front yard and feed the neighborhood. Who's in? Anyone?

This Costume is just WRONG

Not a lot going on

Just a post here to say that not much is going on. I've been wielding the hamsterfish again, cooking things on pita bread, and being altogether blah. I guess that can happen after seeing WORLD FAMOUS Lance Conkerton at the Saints game last Monday. I mean, really, where do you go from there?

Today, I will be lunching at the Tennou Sushi restaurant. I will have a seafood salad for sure, but then, what else? Maybe I'll just order a bowl of lard. Do they serve lard at Japanese restaurants?

In other news, my friend Ketchup (ketchup keeps you regular) is coming to New Orleans the first week of February to run in some kind of race. Running seems like an awful lot of work to me. I prefer flying, but, alas, I'm an ostrich and that dream will have to remain a dream.

Not sure what to say about this

Oh, and if you look closely, the power strip is floating on a PAIR OF SANDALS.

Rules for Halloween

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement or attic, especially if the power has gone out.

4. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or split up.

5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. On a dark night, never stand in, on, above, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

7. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

8. Do not take anything from the dead.

9. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take a hint and stay away.

10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

11. If you are running from a monster, expect to fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it is still moving fast enough to catch up to you.

12. If your companions suddenly begin uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

13. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, or any small town in Maine.

14. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to call for help.

15. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any weapon made from deceased companions.

Saints Game

Okay, went to the Saints game last night. The game itself was kind of a bummer, although it was very exciting. The most amazing part was that I ran into WORLD FAMOUS Lance Conkerton. Although he declined my request for an autograph, it was still a real honor to meet one of the biggest icons in the state of Louisiana.

Of course, we ran into one another in the smoking section. It was really smoky, so I'm surprised we recognized one another, although, come to think of it, being an ostrich and all, I kind of stand out.

Another few observations:

• For the first time I can remember, I actually made it through the game without ordering nachos.
• The fans in section 118 were very happy to see me, as I hadn't been to a game since the preseason. They missed my ability to incite riotous calamity.
• This season, they now pour beer from 16 oz cans into plastic cups. Still $7 but an actual upgrade from the 12 oz beers they used to hand out. Much easier to get sloppy. And I was sloppy.
• Could the women outside of Allegro get any cheesier? The answer last night was a resounding yes.
• The financial crisis does not seem to have affected the overall surliness of the Superdome faithful. It might have, in fact, put them into a sort of surl-overdrive. And I do love that so very much.
• Finally, I think Bad Repp should start a website devoted to needlepoint artwork.

Hello and Happy Mardi Gras.

Tina Fey Does It Again

Duck, Duck, Goose

My Friend Luigi

A lot of people have been telling me recently that my friend Luigi looks a lot like Kevin Youkilis of the Boston Red Sox. What think you?

We're All Going to be Poor!!!

Well, it's not that bad, yet, but I, for one, am glad that I was _accidentally_ in a super low risk fund for my 401K here at work. (I've actually made 1.6% during the crisis).

So, that being said, we're all going to be poor. That's right, all of us. If you thought you were poor before, get used to living in cardboard. Try going to go get a loan for a new car, anybody? Unless you've never missed a payment on anything in your life and you currently make 300K + a year, forget about it.

Po! We all gonna be Po!

Dunder Mifflin

I am a big fan of The Office. More to come later.

McCain disses David Letterman

You need to watch to the end, but it's kind of worth it.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Okay, this has to be one of the funniest shows ever, but it is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

A couple of quotes from some friends of mine regarding the series:

"They are the wrongest wrong people in all of wrong town."

"Put it this way - the gang from Seinfeld watches them and says - man,those people aren't right."

It's hysterical, and I've only watched the first three episodes.

If you're interested, you can watch the first three seasons on hulu.com. Really, I can only watch two at a time before my cringe factor reaches 10. But I'm smiling from ear to ear as I'm cringing... it really is kind of like Seinfeld on crack.

Those people are just WRONG.

Ninja Cat

The Ninja Cat - Watch more free videos

A few good chickens

Hello, my friends! What have you all been up to? Me, I've been burying my head in the sand for weeks, and do you know what I've found? Besides a lot of termites and ants, I actually found an uneaten beef jerky! But that's another story for another day.

So, I was at the Tennou Sushi Bar for lunch today and something unthinkable happened: a fellow diner, 2 seats down at the bar, didn't eat one of their pieces of TORO! It was quite funny actually. When the guy left, the other two guys who had been sitting on the other side of him and I were all eyeing that glorious piece of fish flesh, sort of daring one another to take it off the plate of the now absent diner and eat it. Seriously considered doing it myself and then we started in on a conversation about it, me and the other two dudes. It goes something like this:

"That is a sin."
"Agreed."
"I almost don't care that it's somebody else's food."
"I know what you mean."

And so on. For what it's worth, I did control myself. No second hand toro was consumed. As for the other two gentlemen, well, I don't know. The toro was still on the plate after I paid my check and left. I kind of hope they split it.

Hello

So, what does this ostrich have to say? Very little indeed. Suffice it to say that very little has been happening in the life of this feathered historical displacement specialist.

Hurricanes suck.

I hope my peeps in Houston all made it through in one peas.

Lipstick.

And now, a photo from the men's room at the Superdome on gameday.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

The Weather Here is Kind of Like This

Hurricane Cocktail List

MANDATORY EVACUATION

1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz..
vermouth
Clamato juice
Prune juice

Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass.
Fill remainder of glass with
equal parts clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink.
Ask next-door neighbor
who's fichus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof - even though you'd
warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his bathroom. Repeat.



======================================================

CATEGORY 5

1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin
Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice

Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass.
Fill
remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice.
Stir, then
garnish with an inverted drink umbrella.
Drink during peak storm hours, and
vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded
your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.




============================================================

CONE OF PROBABILITY

1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone

Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone.
Every time you hear a TV weatherman
say, "cone of probability," bite off the end of the cone and down the shot.

If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively.
(they should
change this to the "Cantore Zone"... damn him.

Have you ever noticed that, despite all the cone of probability talk, if
Cantore is parked in front of your house your ass is toast?) - that is my
personal favorite!


==================================================

FEEDER BAND

2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream

After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass.

Add a scoop of th e vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer.
Stir,
and drink through a straw.




============================================================

BEACH EROSION

1 1/2 oz. Goldschläger
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw

Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass.
As you
drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to New Jersey where
it belongs.


============================================================

DOWNED POWER LINE


1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola

Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass.

Drink while trying to figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two
freakin' weeks without television and AC.






============================================================




FLOOD ZONE

2 oz. Kahlúa
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum

Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills
all over the countertop.



============================================================

COLD SHOWER

2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz.. Sprite

Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after
waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot.
Take a deep
breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits
your tongue.

Repeat.



============================================================




LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT

1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsaparilla
Rock salt

Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt.

Climb to the roof of your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and
can of sarsaparilla.
Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of
sarsaparilla. Watch for looters.
When you spot one, blast his *** with
rock salt. Drink shot. Repeat.






============================================================




THE CHAIN SAW

1 oz. Goldschläger
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Spl ash of vermouth




Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can.

Add splash of vermouth. Drink.
Remove chain saw from garage and attempt
to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard.
Ask neighbor to drive you to
hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.



============================================================


FOUR-WAY STOP

1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine

Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass.
Serve one to yourself
and three other people.
The person with the clear shot of vodka drinks
first.. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot, and so on.
If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of road rage and
beat the living shit out of him.



============================================================




BLUE TARP

1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice
Splash of lime

Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve.

Wait six to eight months for someone to repair the cup.

If you're impatient, hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do
the job for an exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the
process.






============================================================




FEMA FIZZLE

1 oz. Southern Comfort
2 oz. sloe gin
Tonic water

One week af ter the storm has passed and your neighborhood is still in
ruins with no sign of help on the way, combine Southern Comfort and gin
in a cocktail glass.
Fill remainder with tonic and add a dash of
Angostura bitters. Serve with a nut brownie.

Before drinking, raise the glass and say the toast, "Doing a helluva
job Brownie

Bad Repp, No Juice

If any of you have been reading Natalie's blog, she is STILL without power in Baton Rouge. That city is starting to remind me of NOLA after Katrina. Shit, my house in NOLA only lost power for 12 hours after Gustav.

Anywhoo, Heidi called to tell me that she's planning on dressing up like a bunny rabbit and hopping her next marathon instead of running. Good luck, Heidi! I think it's a grand plan!

Bad day for Jags

Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life

Back to Normal

Archibald is back at work. This is a nice, welcome return to normalcy. Hoping all of my peeps in BR get their power back soon and can surf the interwebs at their leisure.

Was unable to attend the Saints game yesterday due to a, ahem, gastrointestinal disturbance. Watched on the telly, though, so all is well.

Hurricane Joke

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts because this is going to be one hell of a blow job.


Get it?

Too Freaking Funny

Jingleheimer Junction- SNL | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Feeder Band Anxiety

Okay, I'm starting to get a little skittish about this whole Gustav thing. My plan is to head to Baton Rouge on Friday evening if the models don't change significantly. What else is an ostrich to do? If the levees break, there will be two feet of water at my house. Thankfully, my house is three feet off the ground.

This whole thing has some serious deja vu about it. Katrina hit the Monday after the last Saints preseason game. If this one comes here, same freaky schedule.

Run to the hills!!!!!!

Me, I don't like hurricanes much

Here's the projected path of Hurricane Gustav! How does that make you feel, boys and girls? Me, I'm not a big fan.

Get ready Sunshine! Archibald is coming to a house near you to read stories to the kids!

Happy to be back at work

Fuck, I really hate the weekends lately. Way too much time stuck alone in my own head. There was one good thing that happened, though. I had a bunch of really good friends join me at the Bulldog for a couple of beers on Friday night. And guess who showed up???

Bad Repp, that's who. Very cool to see her. Natalie informed me that she's no longer scared of me. I found that very amusing.

Amanda Talley was there, too! She's TALL! And always smiling, as usual.

Watched the Saints game on Saturday at my house, solamente Archibald. Spent Sunday trying to get to Monday. The rain didn't help much either.

The March Toward Normalcy

Oh, I don't know. I guess it's just the hot weather, but the last couple of days have dried me out, and I don't mean that on a blood-alcohol-content level. I mean I've just gotten tired of being sad. Good, old-fashioned depression is out. Now, it's just malaise, tainted with a nagging desire for something new, a replacement part, for lack of a better term.

Tomorrow is Friday, a day when people get together and go to Happy Hour and laugh and exchange pleasantries. Am I up for that? Not really sure. Will I give it a shot? Again, I'm ambivalent. Perhaps. I'm sure, after a while, I'll start to feel guilty if I'm having fun, you know, burying my head in the sand like a good ostrich, and I'll want to run off home to bury my head in my pillow and pout (boys don't cry).

These are just random musings. I'm feeling better about things (really!) and so, with that, I am in a mood to move on with my life, for whatever that's worth.

I just wish it weren't so FUCKING hot outside. I mean, seriously. Who turned on the broiler? The steak is done. Time to take it out of the oven and let it rest.

In other news, Caroline started first grade. She's officially a woman. Peace out to Sunshine and her brood.

Back in the Saddle

I've had to take some time off here because, well, my ostrich brain just wasn't the right size to handle what has been up in my life. The Research Scientist is gone, and I will miss her dearly, but the show, as they say, must go on.

I have been in constant communication with Sunshine and, well, it appears there is some trouble in the Creech household. Weebs, with all of his accounting acumen, is apparently unaware that Aunt Liz is a Donkey. This hallucination is troublesome as best.

This pretty much says it all

I apologize, but I love this song and it's amazing. So enjoy. Yes, it's somewhat selfish, but what else is there to do?

The Vader Sessions

Research Scientist Update

Archibald doesn't normally like to talk about things that are bad or sad, so I'll make this brief: RS's condition has gone from critical to stable. Basically, she's no longer on an imminent death watch. Which is a good thing.

For the past 5 days, I have had the same song stuck in my head and can't get it out: "Girlfriend in a Coma" by the Smiths. I'm not joking and it's not funny. I simply can't get it out of my head. If anybody has a suggestion of how I can fix this problem, PLEASE let me know.

Love,
Archibald

Research Scientist

The Research Scientist is very sick and in the hospital. For those of you who know Sunshine, you can find out what's up from her. For the rest, please keep her in your prayers, even though you don't know her.

ZombieHarmony

You must check out the site below:

Zombie Harmony

Crazy Dream

Last night, I had a dream I was hanging out with Elizabeth N. Her mom, for some reason, was sleeping in an armoire at Robert Knapp's house. Liz kept trying to convince me to scare her mom by putting on a green speedo and singing "Turn on your Heart Light."

I'm not sure what is wrong with me.

Sorry about this, but, I couldn't resist.

Since it's Hurricane Season

A Sunshine Update

Sunshine Phillips Elliott Creech and her husband, Simon closed on their new estate in Baton Rouge today. The price was 7.5 million dollars, a great deal-- it was on Weebs insistence, because of the dip in the real estate market.

The really good news is this makes it much easier on Sunshine, as they can move Elizabeth N., the nanny, into the slaves quarters. They're going to install a buzzer in Liz's 45 square foot room so Sunshine can buzz her in case of an emergency, like if somebody left the toilet seat up. Liz can be buzzed and come remedy the situation. The baby mormon Emily will no longer have to wallow in filth if she happens to soil her diaper in the middle of the night. The buzzer. What a great invention!

Sunshine also reports that, since everything has been in storage for over a month, she's misplaced her nipple clamps, and that it's been a sad, missionary-style sex life for her and her well endowed husband.

Amen.

SuiSide Door

Fun Google Image Search: Douche Bag

Problems at work, solved

Well, I've been working on the same problem for 6 days at work. Finally solved the problem. This probably won't mean much to most people, but ASP.NET applications and SQL Reporting Services applications do not play nice with one another.

So I'm done having tantrums in my office. My neighbors are no longer wearing kevlar to work. No, it turns out, I'm not going to go postal.

Had lunch today with the Research Scientist at Tennou. I had toro. Yummy as always. RS ate noodle salad, but very little else. She's not much of an eater.

Tomorrow is Friday. I'm thinking about going to Jacques Imo's. They have an alligator sausage cheesecake that is out of this world good. I also love their blackened tuna. They used to have an awesome redfish, but they now serve the same sauce with a grouper, and this isn't nearly as tasty. I don't know. Maybe I'll have the deep fried roast beef po-boy.

A Post About Posting

Sometimes, I just get lazy. Sometimes, there's just not a lot to say. It's summer, people! How can one have anything to talk about when one is just trying not to melt?

Sunshine is on her way to the beach. I will be posting photos in the next few days and detailing their adventures on vacation.

Peas.

Because Natalie Did It

I'm going to do a top 10 favorite things to eat for lunch on the west bank:

1. Seafood Salad at Tennou Sushi Bar
2. Pho Tai at Pho Tau Bay
3. Ham and Swiss po-boy at The Point
4. Chicken in a Clay Pot at Kim Son
5. one word: Piccadilly
6. Stuffed Artichoke Soup at Olive Branch
7. General's Chicken at China Doll
8. Gyros Platter at Cleopatra
9. Pepperoni Pizza at Mo's Pizza
10. Chips and Queso at Chilis!!!!!!

As of now, I'm off to go eat Seafood Salad at Tennou.

Slow Going

Me haven't been posting a lot lately. It's because there hasn't been much going on. July and August just make me want to stay inside and breathe air conditioning. So that's what I've been doing. Trying to stay cool. As a matter of fact, the only time I left the house yesterday was the 30 minutes I went to the gym.

Does the weather cause anybody else out there this kind of trouble? I mean, seriously, if the house was filled with gas fumes, the only reason I would leave is if it caused the A/C to go out. I hate the summer. I can't believe I have lived here all my life.

More Cowbell!!!

English Trouble

I spoke with Sunshine yesterday, and she gave me some unfortunate news. Apparently, Caroline's English lessons aren't going very well. She's being taught by her nanny, Liz, but since Liz can't seem to stay off the sauce long enough to tie her own shoes, Seniorita Caroline's English comes out slurred.

In other news, Sunshine and Simon are close to finalizing the deal for their new estate in Baton Rouge. The maid's quarters won't be completed when they close, however, so the family will have to continue to stay with Sunshine's mother, Sun (pronounced "Soon") until those sordid details can be dealt with.

Friends with Benefits: A Prospectus

Make sure to click on the picture for details.

Better Late than Never

Happy 4th. Stolen from:
Ted's Blog

Motivational Posters for Dogs

among other things...

Seniorita Caroline and Aunt Liz, the Drunk Nanny

Seniorita Caroline (through a translator): This is a picture of what my nanny, Aunt Liz, looks like when we go to the Happy Note. Her arms get very short and she leans a lot to the right.

Aunt Liz (slurring): That's not what I look like. I drew that picture. It's a picture of a tornado, upside down. Would somebody get me a mojito?

Seniorita Caroline: Sometimes, when we're at the bar, Aunt Liz takes off her shirt and has the bartender pour salt on her boobies and then licks it off while he drinks tequila.

Aunt Liz: You lying little shit. We were in church. I was getting baptized.

Seniorita Caroline: And sometimes, when mommy and daddy go out and leave me with a babysitter, sometimes, when they come back, they smell like Aunt Liz.

Aunt Liz: That's the sweet smell of success, honey. Learn it. Live it.

Rollin' With Saget

Friday Lunch on Wednesday?

My co-workers and I are doing our traditional Friday lunch, today, on Wednesday. This is because a bunch of these assholes are going to be at the beach, while I'll be here, sweating my toes off in NOLA.

I would suggest going for raw oysters, but I know that will be shot down. We usually end up at a hibachi place over here on the Wank (Westbank for those in the know). It's pretty good, so I can't really complain.

My step-dad is finally becoming an American citizen on Thursday. He's from England, so he didn't have much of a problem passing the English test. But the American history test turns out to be a lot harder than one would expect. So I'm happy for him. It's pretty exciting.

Seniorita Caroline is rumored to have been hanging out with her nanny, Elizabeth N., at the Happy Note. They've been spotted doing tequila shots and then Liz tries to get Caroline to jump speed bumps on her tricycle. More on this later.

Perfect for Natalie!

Weebs' Political Agenda

Study: Most Children Strongly Opposed To Children's Healthcare

The Secret Life of Weebs

To understand how it is possible for Sunshine's adopted three-year-old son from Central America to have been able to do all the amazing things he can do with Microsoft Excel and his vast knowledge of the international banking industry, look no farther than this picture.

Weebs is, in fact, a spy, a secret agent, a spook. These glasses were given to him by none other than Pierce Brosnan, and when he puts them on, he is no longer a Spanish speaking child, but instead a worldly man of mystery with a license to kill. (rumor has it that, when Weebs is on the firing range keeping his gun skills sharp, he is able to shoot a bullet inside of a bullet.)

Weebs. Danger is his middle name.

Super Awesome!

No shit, from Rolling Stone:

When we first reported that John Oates of Hall & Oates was coming out with a cartoon about his superpowered moustache, we thought "No way does this ever get on television." Well, we might be wrong, as J-Stache is currently be shopped to stations and it sounds incredible. The premise, according to the two-minute trailer, is that Oates plays a family man who is lured back to the rock star life by his moustache. His moustache also happens to be voiced by comedian Dave Attell. "In a cartoon setting, the mustache has its own personality," Oates tells Billboard. Wait, it gets weirder. In the storyboarded pilot episode, Oates' moustache seeks to open up a new wing of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame dedicated only to rockers with moustaches (Congratulations, Brandon Flowers!). However, David Crosby warns Oates that a pack of moustache bearers, led by a murderous Tom Selleck, are trying to snuff out other moustache bearers. We change our previous prediction: This show will be Adult Swimming in no time.

Role Models

Student Report Card Comments

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5.Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

I Found a Boy for Natalie!

What do you think, Nat? Handsome?!?!? He'd be good for a summer fling now that you're out of school. I like the way he purses his lips. It accentuates the stash. And the two of you could hang out in your backyard swimming pool, just in time for summer:

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

Love,

Archibald

Turtles!!!

Heidi Is Back In Town

She claims to want to do something this afternoon. My guess is she wants to go to Ms. Mae's and shoot some Everclear. Flaming Dr. Pepper Marathon. Funneling Jager Bombs. Snorting Vodka off of some naked strippers. All of the above are well within the realm of possibility.

In other news, I just saved a fortune on my car insurance. (Thanks, Henry)

Changes of Plans and Excitement

Saturday night, for the first time in my life, I had Beluga Caviar. I have to say, it was quite tasty; not $400 an ounce tasty, but still, it had a serious yum factor.

Let me explain how the caviar thing all got started: A bunch of us were supposed to go to GW Fins for dinner on Saturday, but problems started to occur. First, Matt and Katie both were sick with some kind of serious hangover, so they backed out. Then, the twin spans were shut down, so the Research Scientist had to go through Mandeville to get here, and she was running late. I called the restaurant to see if I could push back my reservations, and they said they were so booked that they could only do fifteen minutes. So I cancelled the reservations and decided we'd go to Sake Cafe on Magazine.

We get to Sake, and lo and behold, my first favorite sushi chef, Hao, was behind the bar! He has just moved back from California and is now the head chef at Sake. Let's just say that after he found out it was my birthday, certain high quality items began mysteriously arriving in front of me: A huge slab of toro, some kind of interesting clam with stuff on top of it I didn't recognize and then, for "dessert," the caviar. It was sublime and delicious.

Sunday's festivities will be in a later post. Suffice it to say, this weekend was a culinary adventure.

And I will certainly be heading to the gym this afternoon.

I Love Politics

Best Video Ever

Rainbow in Marrero. Word.

A Weekend of Food, Part 1

Since this upcoming weekend is my birthday, I will be dining at some of the most fabulous restaurants in New Orleans. Saturday night, the Research Scientist, Paul from the Bayou, Kristy from the Sticks, Matt and his surprise guest, Roomie! will be joining me for dinner at G.W. Fins! (The Hamsterfish will be skipping this particular meal.) It's a restaurant I have wanted to eat at for years, but somehow never got around to it. Everyone I know who has eaten there says it is a phenomenal restaurant, so my expectations are high, to say the least. I have also heard that, on occasion, they serve Blue Fin Tuna, one of my favorite foods of all time, so we'll see. But the company alone should be worthwhile. I'll be surprised if we're not kicked out of the restaurant before the end of the meal. Something tells me Roomie is going to be getting everyone way, way too drunk.

I hope everyone is jealous. I certainly would be!

Did you know they serve smoked oysters? I have never heard of such a thing, but I'm very intrigued. They will be part of the appetizer selection.

On another note, today is National Hug Your J.R. Ewing Day! If you happen to see him lollygagging around, give him a hug for me, will you?

Google Image Search

Any guesses?

What I want Santa to bring me for my birthday

I turn a million years old on Sunday. Here is a list of things I want Santa to bring me for my birthday:

• A roomba
• 10 cent Buffalo Wings
• A Chrysler Cordova with Corinthian Leather
• Ricardo Montalban's accent
• San Diego's weather
• A refrigerator magnet that says, "Adhere!"
• A new novel from David Foster Wallace
• Abs of Steel
• Weebs to do my taxes
• More cowbell

In reality, I will probably only get a nice new 12" Calphalon pan from the Research Scientist and brunch at the Rib Room. But an ostrich can wish, can't he?

Penis!

Trials and Tribulations

Okay, so it wasn't this bad, but on Sunday morning, NOLA got itself a bit of a gully washer. Lots of streets were flooded. The JCC was closed because they were out of power, so I went for a walk instead of hitting the excerbike.

So, no visit from Sunshine after all. Weebs did something terrible to his arm on Friday night, so they had to spend a good piece of Saturday trying to figure out if it was broken or not. Not broken. Good news for Weebs and the Creech family, because I believe that was his Excel spreadsheet arm and, well, tax shelters and all that.

Research Scientist and I hung out on Saturday. It was romantic.

Sunshine is a Genius

"Yes, Sunshine is a genius," Sunshine replied when I informed her of the title of my blog post.

We're still waiting here with bated breath for the possible arrival of the Creech family and their black labrador retriever, Gangsta.

I would also like to say that it is a fine day here in NOLA, not too hot, not too rainy. I will be leaving work a little bit early so that I can beat the rush to the gymnasium. There is an excercise bike with my name on it, calling my name, "Archibald, Archibald!"

What are you doing this weekend? I'm going swimming and possibly cooking a hot dog and drinking juice boxes. Maybe I will talk to my pet Geranium. Maybe not. I might fashion a bobsled out of a can of Ravioli and name myself McGyver. Or I might not. Whatever happens, happens, right Curly Sue? Right!

Slather on some Memphis-style BBQ rub and hit the grill. It's Summer Time!

Politics!

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists

Sunshine Sprouts an Antenna

I knew it! She's an alien!

Water is for Chlorine

I sure do hope Sunshine, Simon, Seniorita Caroline, Weebs and Baby Mormon Emily get to come hang out with me and the Research Scientist at Mama Duck's house this weekend. If they do, we will frolic.

Speaking of the Research Scientist, she is scheduled to make an appearance at my house this afternoon. We will probably eat olives, drink wine and eat some Gorgonzola. We might kiss.

Wine and dine and sixty-nine!

Heidi

Heidi M. (mother of three, the one in red, shown funneling during Mardi Gras) is apparently going to be in the NOLA area this week. I'm not sure what days or for what reason, but she claims to want to drink.

I'm scared.

What's for Lunch

Today, I will be travelling with some of my fellow historical displacement specialists to the Tennou Sushi Bar on Manhattan Blvd. Working on the westbank means there aren't a lot of good sushi options, but Tennou seems to do a pretty good job. First and foremost, they almost always have Toro, which is a sign that they mean business. Not that I always order the Toro (expensive!), but when I have, I haven't been disappointed.

Today, I'll probably have a little escolar, some salmon, and maybe a roll. Should I have a noodle salad? (That would make the Research Scientist MUCHO JEALOUS.)

I was able to make contact with the elusive Sunshine on Friday evening when I was eating steak at La Boca. Apparently, she's been busy training for an Olympic event, although she won't tell me which one. But if there's an event for stealing an uncooked pork tenderloin from a hot outdoor grill, she's a medalist for sure.

Shoes are for people with feet!

Feed Bags!

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

What is for the Weekend?

Tonight, the Research Scientist and myself will be meeting Encephalitis Pete and his girlfriend for steak at La Boca. This is VERY exciting news, as I will also be having their incomparable grilled asparagus. Steak. It's what's for dinner.

On Saturday, I have to go visit Mama Duck because I made the mistake of giving her an mp3 player for mother's day. Let's just say she's not the most technologically advanced person on the planet. The good news is, however, that I get to wet my feathers in the pool. So all is well, I guess.

Beyond that, there are no plans. I'll probably go to the gym on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe I'll cook something tasty. Any suggestions? Heidi? Should I cook a beer can chicken?

Anybody interested in reading about the Hamsterfish, it all starts here:

http://wieldingthehamsterfish.blogspot.com/2008/04/chapter-01.html

Cheese!

I love the St. James Cheese shop on Prytania. Yesterday, I went there and bought three different little wedges, one super-stinky, one creamy sheep's milk gorgonzola and one slightly smoky gouda. The Research Scientist came over and we made cheese plates with Spanish chirizo, olives and thick wedges of tomato. Washed it down with a nice Malbec from Argentina. Oh, cheese is a wonderful thing.

I've been trying to get into contact with Sunshine to see how life is now that she's temporary living with her Japanese mother, Sun (pronounced "soon"), but I haven't been able to reach her. Does anybody know what's the haps? Has she begun only communicating via short wave radio again? Has she been kidnapped by that evil Noland woman, the one with the twins and the red wine stained fingertips? Did Knarf get hungry and try to eat her? Could it be that she's frustrated that she doesn't speak Japanese and is immersing herself in that language to the point where she refuses to speak on the phone to people who would have the audacity to call her and try to speak English?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Back to the Dentist

Well, off to see the dentist today. Have to get a filling. I usually love to go to there because my hygenist is 1. super hot, 2. really cool, but, unfortunately, I won't be seeing her much today. It's all business. And really, it's not that there's much pain involved; dentistry in the 21st century is a largely pain-free experience. It's afterward, you know, the numb face, drooling on yourself as you drive your car in the stifling 100 degree Louisiana heat back to your domicile, your mouth all powdery and swollen.



Sunshine told me a story about being at the dentist once. I'm not going to tell you that story, though. I'm going to repeat my assertion about the day Sunshine and I were cooking a pork tenderloin on my grill and she stole the undercooked meat and hid it somewhere in my house. She will swear up and down to this day that she did not do it. And then we had eggs benedict. And, yes, they were delicious, but still. I wonder if she carries that uncooked pork tenderloin around in her purse. It would not surprise me if she did. I think she's taking that slab of meat to the grave.



Yesterday, the Research Scientist was driving in from Slidell, when she saw a sign in front of a church. Below is what it said:




When I rock upon the mike, I rock the mike right.

I Love Pussy

David Foster Wallace

Some pretty funny stuff from my favorite author:

More Hurricane Prep

Since Sunshine has had to move into Sun's house for a month before they can dive into their new grande casa, I now realize that I have no place to stay outside of the city. Well, that's not exactly true, but nowhere closer than Houston or Memphis, and those are some grueling trips, especially if you take traffic into account.

So, since I will probably use my 2003 Audi A4 as a home while in evacutaion mode, I guess I should buy some supplies to make my temporary home a little more comfortable.

The tube of the sneaky leaker could be fed from under the car door, making it unnecessary to leave the car in case of bladder irritation.

Does anybody know of anywhere you can buy a car-battery-powered ice maker?

So many decisions!

Hurricane Preparations

Since Hurricane Season officially starts in two days, a friend of mine asked me if I had any plans of my own. I said, yes, in fact, I do have plans, and here they are:

My hurricane evacuation recipe:

1 Laptop Computer

1 Telephone

Medicine and toiletries

24 Miller Lite Beers

1 Gallon Water

1 Cooler

4 Single Serving Chef Boyardee meals

1 Bag for everything else

Instructions:

-Combine laptop, telephone, medicine and toilitries in laptop case. Set aside.

-Into cooler, add cans of beer, gallon of water, chef boyardee. Cover with contents of icemaker. Drag to front door.

-Grab bag. In a panic and without looking, start packing things that feel like "clothes," stuffing as much as possible until bag barely zips. Throw in direction of front door.

-Realize you've forgotten your IPod. Rectify.

-Bitch at yourself for owning an Audi instead of a Jeep with mud tires (you could take the levee to BR). Get over it.

-1967 Fender Telecaster. There's room for that in the trunk.

Load everything in the car. Turn on 870 am and enjoy!