Weebs' Political Agenda

Study: Most Children Strongly Opposed To Children's Healthcare

The Secret Life of Weebs

To understand how it is possible for Sunshine's adopted three-year-old son from Central America to have been able to do all the amazing things he can do with Microsoft Excel and his vast knowledge of the international banking industry, look no farther than this picture.

Weebs is, in fact, a spy, a secret agent, a spook. These glasses were given to him by none other than Pierce Brosnan, and when he puts them on, he is no longer a Spanish speaking child, but instead a worldly man of mystery with a license to kill. (rumor has it that, when Weebs is on the firing range keeping his gun skills sharp, he is able to shoot a bullet inside of a bullet.)

Weebs. Danger is his middle name.

Super Awesome!

No shit, from Rolling Stone:

When we first reported that John Oates of Hall & Oates was coming out with a cartoon about his superpowered moustache, we thought "No way does this ever get on television." Well, we might be wrong, as J-Stache is currently be shopped to stations and it sounds incredible. The premise, according to the two-minute trailer, is that Oates plays a family man who is lured back to the rock star life by his moustache. His moustache also happens to be voiced by comedian Dave Attell. "In a cartoon setting, the mustache has its own personality," Oates tells Billboard. Wait, it gets weirder. In the storyboarded pilot episode, Oates' moustache seeks to open up a new wing of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame dedicated only to rockers with moustaches (Congratulations, Brandon Flowers!). However, David Crosby warns Oates that a pack of moustache bearers, led by a murderous Tom Selleck, are trying to snuff out other moustache bearers. We change our previous prediction: This show will be Adult Swimming in no time.

Role Models

Student Report Card Comments

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5.Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

I Found a Boy for Natalie!

What do you think, Nat? Handsome?!?!? He'd be good for a summer fling now that you're out of school. I like the way he purses his lips. It accentuates the stash. And the two of you could hang out in your backyard swimming pool, just in time for summer:

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

Love,

Archibald

Turtles!!!

Heidi Is Back In Town

She claims to want to do something this afternoon. My guess is she wants to go to Ms. Mae's and shoot some Everclear. Flaming Dr. Pepper Marathon. Funneling Jager Bombs. Snorting Vodka off of some naked strippers. All of the above are well within the realm of possibility.

In other news, I just saved a fortune on my car insurance. (Thanks, Henry)

Changes of Plans and Excitement

Saturday night, for the first time in my life, I had Beluga Caviar. I have to say, it was quite tasty; not $400 an ounce tasty, but still, it had a serious yum factor.

Let me explain how the caviar thing all got started: A bunch of us were supposed to go to GW Fins for dinner on Saturday, but problems started to occur. First, Matt and Katie both were sick with some kind of serious hangover, so they backed out. Then, the twin spans were shut down, so the Research Scientist had to go through Mandeville to get here, and she was running late. I called the restaurant to see if I could push back my reservations, and they said they were so booked that they could only do fifteen minutes. So I cancelled the reservations and decided we'd go to Sake Cafe on Magazine.

We get to Sake, and lo and behold, my first favorite sushi chef, Hao, was behind the bar! He has just moved back from California and is now the head chef at Sake. Let's just say that after he found out it was my birthday, certain high quality items began mysteriously arriving in front of me: A huge slab of toro, some kind of interesting clam with stuff on top of it I didn't recognize and then, for "dessert," the caviar. It was sublime and delicious.

Sunday's festivities will be in a later post. Suffice it to say, this weekend was a culinary adventure.

And I will certainly be heading to the gym this afternoon.

I Love Politics

Best Video Ever

Rainbow in Marrero. Word.

A Weekend of Food, Part 1

Since this upcoming weekend is my birthday, I will be dining at some of the most fabulous restaurants in New Orleans. Saturday night, the Research Scientist, Paul from the Bayou, Kristy from the Sticks, Matt and his surprise guest, Roomie! will be joining me for dinner at G.W. Fins! (The Hamsterfish will be skipping this particular meal.) It's a restaurant I have wanted to eat at for years, but somehow never got around to it. Everyone I know who has eaten there says it is a phenomenal restaurant, so my expectations are high, to say the least. I have also heard that, on occasion, they serve Blue Fin Tuna, one of my favorite foods of all time, so we'll see. But the company alone should be worthwhile. I'll be surprised if we're not kicked out of the restaurant before the end of the meal. Something tells me Roomie is going to be getting everyone way, way too drunk.

I hope everyone is jealous. I certainly would be!

Did you know they serve smoked oysters? I have never heard of such a thing, but I'm very intrigued. They will be part of the appetizer selection.

On another note, today is National Hug Your J.R. Ewing Day! If you happen to see him lollygagging around, give him a hug for me, will you?

Google Image Search

Any guesses?

What I want Santa to bring me for my birthday

I turn a million years old on Sunday. Here is a list of things I want Santa to bring me for my birthday:

• A roomba
• 10 cent Buffalo Wings
• A Chrysler Cordova with Corinthian Leather
• Ricardo Montalban's accent
• San Diego's weather
• A refrigerator magnet that says, "Adhere!"
• A new novel from David Foster Wallace
• Abs of Steel
• Weebs to do my taxes
• More cowbell

In reality, I will probably only get a nice new 12" Calphalon pan from the Research Scientist and brunch at the Rib Room. But an ostrich can wish, can't he?

Penis!

Trials and Tribulations

Okay, so it wasn't this bad, but on Sunday morning, NOLA got itself a bit of a gully washer. Lots of streets were flooded. The JCC was closed because they were out of power, so I went for a walk instead of hitting the excerbike.

So, no visit from Sunshine after all. Weebs did something terrible to his arm on Friday night, so they had to spend a good piece of Saturday trying to figure out if it was broken or not. Not broken. Good news for Weebs and the Creech family, because I believe that was his Excel spreadsheet arm and, well, tax shelters and all that.

Research Scientist and I hung out on Saturday. It was romantic.

Sunshine is a Genius

"Yes, Sunshine is a genius," Sunshine replied when I informed her of the title of my blog post.

We're still waiting here with bated breath for the possible arrival of the Creech family and their black labrador retriever, Gangsta.

I would also like to say that it is a fine day here in NOLA, not too hot, not too rainy. I will be leaving work a little bit early so that I can beat the rush to the gymnasium. There is an excercise bike with my name on it, calling my name, "Archibald, Archibald!"

What are you doing this weekend? I'm going swimming and possibly cooking a hot dog and drinking juice boxes. Maybe I will talk to my pet Geranium. Maybe not. I might fashion a bobsled out of a can of Ravioli and name myself McGyver. Or I might not. Whatever happens, happens, right Curly Sue? Right!

Slather on some Memphis-style BBQ rub and hit the grill. It's Summer Time!

Politics!

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists

Sunshine Sprouts an Antenna

I knew it! She's an alien!

Water is for Chlorine

I sure do hope Sunshine, Simon, Seniorita Caroline, Weebs and Baby Mormon Emily get to come hang out with me and the Research Scientist at Mama Duck's house this weekend. If they do, we will frolic.

Speaking of the Research Scientist, she is scheduled to make an appearance at my house this afternoon. We will probably eat olives, drink wine and eat some Gorgonzola. We might kiss.

Wine and dine and sixty-nine!

Heidi

Heidi M. (mother of three, the one in red, shown funneling during Mardi Gras) is apparently going to be in the NOLA area this week. I'm not sure what days or for what reason, but she claims to want to drink.

I'm scared.

What's for Lunch

Today, I will be travelling with some of my fellow historical displacement specialists to the Tennou Sushi Bar on Manhattan Blvd. Working on the westbank means there aren't a lot of good sushi options, but Tennou seems to do a pretty good job. First and foremost, they almost always have Toro, which is a sign that they mean business. Not that I always order the Toro (expensive!), but when I have, I haven't been disappointed.

Today, I'll probably have a little escolar, some salmon, and maybe a roll. Should I have a noodle salad? (That would make the Research Scientist MUCHO JEALOUS.)

I was able to make contact with the elusive Sunshine on Friday evening when I was eating steak at La Boca. Apparently, she's been busy training for an Olympic event, although she won't tell me which one. But if there's an event for stealing an uncooked pork tenderloin from a hot outdoor grill, she's a medalist for sure.

Shoes are for people with feet!

Feed Bags!

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

What is for the Weekend?

Tonight, the Research Scientist and myself will be meeting Encephalitis Pete and his girlfriend for steak at La Boca. This is VERY exciting news, as I will also be having their incomparable grilled asparagus. Steak. It's what's for dinner.

On Saturday, I have to go visit Mama Duck because I made the mistake of giving her an mp3 player for mother's day. Let's just say she's not the most technologically advanced person on the planet. The good news is, however, that I get to wet my feathers in the pool. So all is well, I guess.

Beyond that, there are no plans. I'll probably go to the gym on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe I'll cook something tasty. Any suggestions? Heidi? Should I cook a beer can chicken?

Anybody interested in reading about the Hamsterfish, it all starts here:

http://wieldingthehamsterfish.blogspot.com/2008/04/chapter-01.html

Cheese!

I love the St. James Cheese shop on Prytania. Yesterday, I went there and bought three different little wedges, one super-stinky, one creamy sheep's milk gorgonzola and one slightly smoky gouda. The Research Scientist came over and we made cheese plates with Spanish chirizo, olives and thick wedges of tomato. Washed it down with a nice Malbec from Argentina. Oh, cheese is a wonderful thing.

I've been trying to get into contact with Sunshine to see how life is now that she's temporary living with her Japanese mother, Sun (pronounced "soon"), but I haven't been able to reach her. Does anybody know what's the haps? Has she begun only communicating via short wave radio again? Has she been kidnapped by that evil Noland woman, the one with the twins and the red wine stained fingertips? Did Knarf get hungry and try to eat her? Could it be that she's frustrated that she doesn't speak Japanese and is immersing herself in that language to the point where she refuses to speak on the phone to people who would have the audacity to call her and try to speak English?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Back to the Dentist

Well, off to see the dentist today. Have to get a filling. I usually love to go to there because my hygenist is 1. super hot, 2. really cool, but, unfortunately, I won't be seeing her much today. It's all business. And really, it's not that there's much pain involved; dentistry in the 21st century is a largely pain-free experience. It's afterward, you know, the numb face, drooling on yourself as you drive your car in the stifling 100 degree Louisiana heat back to your domicile, your mouth all powdery and swollen.



Sunshine told me a story about being at the dentist once. I'm not going to tell you that story, though. I'm going to repeat my assertion about the day Sunshine and I were cooking a pork tenderloin on my grill and she stole the undercooked meat and hid it somewhere in my house. She will swear up and down to this day that she did not do it. And then we had eggs benedict. And, yes, they were delicious, but still. I wonder if she carries that uncooked pork tenderloin around in her purse. It would not surprise me if she did. I think she's taking that slab of meat to the grave.



Yesterday, the Research Scientist was driving in from Slidell, when she saw a sign in front of a church. Below is what it said:




When I rock upon the mike, I rock the mike right.

I Love Pussy

David Foster Wallace

Some pretty funny stuff from my favorite author:

More Hurricane Prep

Since Sunshine has had to move into Sun's house for a month before they can dive into their new grande casa, I now realize that I have no place to stay outside of the city. Well, that's not exactly true, but nowhere closer than Houston or Memphis, and those are some grueling trips, especially if you take traffic into account.

So, since I will probably use my 2003 Audi A4 as a home while in evacutaion mode, I guess I should buy some supplies to make my temporary home a little more comfortable.

The tube of the sneaky leaker could be fed from under the car door, making it unnecessary to leave the car in case of bladder irritation.

Does anybody know of anywhere you can buy a car-battery-powered ice maker?

So many decisions!