Eggs Benedict

I have been very busy in my job as a Historical Displacement Specialist today. We had a lot of Historical Displacement to attend to. Therefore, I only have time to post this delicious picture of my favorite treat, Eggs Benedict, especially when your friend Sunshine steals the pork tenderloin off of your grill and hides it, and then, ten years later, refuses to admit that she did, in fact, hide the pork tenderloin.

Oh well. Happy Eggs Benedict Day!

New Section on the Right

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

On the right hand side, I've added a new section for "Books I've Burned." These are the books that I think have sucked the life out of me (the reader). If anybody has any others to share, I would be more than happy to add them and help to the good work to get them out of print.

20 Lame Fairy Tales

via Woot! - and my friend Jimmy B:

1. Rumpelstiltskin Vs. Predator
2. The Cockroach That Hid In Potato Chips
3. Vomitunzelrella
4. The Seven Ugly Stepsisters And Their Other Sister Who Looked Reasonably Cute In The Right Lighting
5. Thumbelina II: The Thumbening
6. The Enchanted 2-Bedroom, 1.5-Bath Craftsman Bungalow
7. The Emperor’s Clothes
8. Shaft in Narnia
9. Mr. Tapeworm’s Wild Ride
10. Aladdin and the Compact Fluorescent Lamp
11. The Tale Of Ned Van Winkle, Who Only Overslept By Half An Hour, But On The Morning Of An Important Job Interview
12. Beauty and The Geek, Season Five, Episode Three
13. The Wicked Witch Of The Greater Tri-County Area
14. How The Pelican Got A Bank Account
15. The Princess and The Pee
16. The Old Woman's Eviction From The Shoe
17. Wood: The Legend Of Pinocchio’s Awkward Puberty
18. Hansel and Kaitlynn
19. The Frog Went Down To Georgia
20. Sleeping Nice-Personality

Sunshine the Just

I just got off the phone with Sunshine. The baby mormon Emily was making noise. Weebs was making noise. Caroline was ill and making noise. Weebs put on his own diaper. Emily composed a symphony (she really is advanced for her age). After putting on his own diaper, Weebs went to work on a new tax shelter for the Creech family linens business. Caroline accidentally invented a hair thong. She's really getting the hang of the textile industry, that Spanish-speaking seniorita!

Sunshine was Just Sunshine.

I Heart This Picture

Courtesy of Found Magazine.

An Announcement

I am planning on blogging my new novel, tentatively titled "Wielding the Hamsterfish." If anyone is interested in reading the book, please leave a comment here, along with an email address (if you know I don't already have it) so I can set you up to receive an email when each chapter is posted. (I will also delete the comment so that your email address will not be on this blog in perpetuity).

Thanks,
Archibald

Amy Sedaris

I don't know how many of you know this, but I am a huge fan of Amy Sedaris. Anywhoo, I just found a website called AmySedarisRocks and it's filled with fun facts about the most insane person on the planet. The link is here:

Click Here for Amy Sedaris Rocks!

Also, she's a bit of a regular on David Letterman, but she's hysterical with the humorless Martha Stewart.

Mortar Launcher, Anyone?

Lemons, and, what I think about modern oak trees

Lemons. You see them everywhere, from the glass of water at your local sushi bar to the glass of water at your local Piccadilly Cafeteria. Lemons. They're bitter, yes, but a yummy kind of bitter. Better than bitter, but not better than butter. Which leads me to my first question: Is there anything better than butter? I would argue that bacon grease is probably better than butter, but just nominally so, although I cannot imagine a better fried egg than one produced in a skillet just after the bacon has come off.

Now, let's discuss the methodone clinic. No, let's not.

Surely there must be something we can talk about other than the fact that Tulane will be bombed on Monday because Salman Rushdie is speaking there (7 p.m. at Dixon Hall, radiation suits optional).

Now there's the matter of modern oak trees. Yes, they're pretty and old and all that, but there's the matter of the fact that we're about to enter caterpillar season, and there's no happier a place for a stinging caterpillar than an old oak tree. If you're walking down St. Charles Avenue anytime in the next month or so, I'd recommend bringing an umbrella, whether it's pouring down rain or sunny as hell. Unless you like the stinging welp of a caterpillar bite.

Natalie Depp, show your tits!!!

How to Recognize a Persian Cat

My Winning Steak

Skirt Steak... 20 minute marinade made with:

• Sangria
• White Vinegar
• Lemon Juice
• Worchestershire Sauce
• Spicy Chipotle Chili Powder
• Salt
• One Crushed Garlic Clove

I guarantee success. Last night's was the best steak I've made in centuries.

Be Careful

Big Brother and the Traffic Nazis are in effect in NOLA. I now officially no longer drive on Carrollton Avenue. Fucking douche bags. I'm pissed. Time to buy a fucking Toyota Echo.

A Donut With No Hole is a Danish

Mitch Cumstein, my rooommate.

Another Cocktail

Jonathan Chandler, a.k.a. Jeff Menteur, a man whose sole purpose in life is to concoct newer and greater beverages for his fellow man (and woman), has come up with another. Here it is:

The Harvey, LA Wallbanger

Equal Parts:

Peach Nehi
Robitussin DM
K&B Vodka

1/2 Methodone Wafer

Serve over ice.

This cocktail tastes better at higher altitudes. Jonathan suggests you drink it on the roof of your house.

Boiled Meat

I am excited about cooking my corned beef brisket. I simmer it over low heat for about two hours with two packages of old school crab boil. You have no idea how tender and tasty this stuff comes out.

So, last night, when I was rifling through Natalie's car looking for the head of John the Baptist, it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to throw some SAUSAGE into the crab boil for the last 30 minutes or so with my corned beef. And then the brain went a-whirlin'. How about some red potatoes? Garlic? Onions? Mushrooms? Um, well, yes, so this is going to basically be a crawfish boil without the crawfish.

Sunshine, if you need me to send you some sausage in the mail, you just let me know and I'll have the USPS get it there sometime before next Christmas.

Oh, I almost forgot: Sunshine and Natalie are hosting a birthday party in my honor on Sunday, June 22nd at the Baton Rouge Country Club. It's going to be a toga party and there will be pin the tail on the donkey and bobbing for apples. Thanks, Sunny and Nat. You're a couple of real peaches.

Seinfeld Episode

I had never seen this Seinfeld episode before, and I was nearly peeing on myself after watching it. So I thought I'd share.

Earhart Eyeopener, Part II

It appears I was given some misinformation as to the proper ingredients to the Earhart Eyeopener. Jonathan emailed me and offered the following:

• 1/2 Pineapple Big Shot cold drink
• 1/2 Pabst Blue Ribbon
• 4 Mini Thins

I think the extra Mini Thins will open the eyes even more than the Red Bull.

Jonathan also offers a bit of lagniappe, Gentilly Iced Tea:

Equal parts Chocolate Soldier and Vodka ---- Serve Warm

Need a Pick-Me-Up?

If a Bloody Mary or a Mimosa just won't do it for you, try this recipe for the "Earhart Eye-Opener," courtesy of Jonathan Chandler:

• 1 part vodka
• 1 part Red Bull
• 2 Mini-thins

Mix vodka and Red Bull. Crush Mini-thins into a fine powder and stir into vodka / Red Bull mixture. Enjoy!

Songs in the Key of Emily

The Mormon Emily was born on Thursday. Turns out she was a lot more advanced a child than previously thought, as the picture below will illustrate:

Regardless, Sunshine is very happy to have given birth to a musical genius (and one who came out fully clothed at that!!!), but she's in a bit of pain, seeing as how her body wasn't quite built to have something Emily's size to come flying out of her vagina. Sunshine's a surly lass, however, and has no problem getting nice and comfortably numb on good, old-fashioned pain medication.

Hopefully, the Mormon Emily turns out to be as much of a musical genius as Rick Astley! Go get them, Em!

Baby Mormon Emily

Today is the day Sunshine gives birth to the Baby Mormon Emily. Congrats, Sunshine. I hope everything comes out all right.

Also in the news, today is the start of the NCAA tournament. What a day to give birth! After she squeezes the little tyke out, she can sit in her hospital bed and watch wall to wall college basketball! I'm thinking she planned the baby to coincide with the tourney. She's going to give up one basketball to watch another. Such symmetry, but that's my genius, the one and only Sunshine!

Sunshine's Favorite Song

The Mormon Emily

Baby Mormon Emily emailed me this picture from Sunshine's womb. As you can see, she's very confused, seeing as how she's both a Mormon and a child of Japanese heritage. It also shows how smart she is already, as the plunger on the bottom right of the picture is a warning to her mother: she's going to be pooing... a lot.

Happy day after St. Pat's.

Monkey

The Trouble With Simon

Sunshine and Simon the Burly Soldier have a new chair, which makes Sunshine happier than a clam in a shell. Unfortunately for poor Simon, he is not allowed to make use of the chair because of what happened to him in this picture. Poor Simon!

In other news from the Creech household, Seniorita Caroline is making great strides indeed! She's learned how to sew many different patterns of plaid and has hit her quota for two days straight! This means she got not just one tortilla for dinner, but also was alotted a thimble full of refried beans. Simon, of course, is not allowed beans, for reasons described in the picture above.

I am going to cook beer can chicken tonight. That is very exciting.

Love,
Archibald

The Replacements

I have the song, "I Will Dare," stuck in my head. So I thought I'd share some lyrics:

How young are you?
How old am I?
Let's count the rings around my eyes
How smart are you?
How dumb am I?
Don't count any of my advice

Oh, meet me anyplace or anywhere or anytime
Now I don't care, meet me tonight
If you will dare, I might dare

Call me on Thursday, if you will
Or call me on Wednesday, better still
Ain't lost yet, so I gotta be a winner
Fingernails and a cigarette's a lousy dinner
Young, are you?

Meet me anyplace or anywhere or anytime
Now, I don't care, meet me tonight
If you will dare, I will dare

Natalie Depp

Has a bad rep.

Food For Thoughtingsfull

After the track on Saturday (the Louisiana Derby, where I lost a good deal of money), my friends Emilee, Sara and I went to Port O Call for the burger and some Monsoons. Well, needless to say, after a day long afternoon of drinking and a Monsoon, throwing this awesome burger and the awesome potato that comes along with it on top of my already disturbed stomach made for an interesting evening of digestion. Most of my dreams revolved around me walking down the street with strange noises coming from my belly.

Anywhoo, I would also like to explain the fact that, now that Chelsea and Manchester United have both crashed out of the FA Cup, there is guaranteed to be at least one lower division team in the final at Wembley. I, for one, am pulling for both Barnsley and Cardiff (because Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink plays there).

Update: Barnsley and Cardiff drew each other in the semi-final, so only one of them will be going to the final.

Also, it has come to my attention that Natalie has a new pet Emu. I'm not sure how I feel about this, as Emus are cousins of the Ostrich and, well, I don't like the idea of being somebody's pet.

Lars is a great name for a girl, Sunshine. Just dropping a hint.

Natalie is also involved in something a little unsavory. It turns out that she has been shaving FM's (pronounced Knarf) back hair and knitting it into some kind of stocking cap. She plans on selling it on ebay, in a package deal along with a can of tuna (I haven't figured that one out yet, either). If I were her, I would offer a bag of marshmallows to go with the tuna, but, alas, I am not Gnat. (Be gentle to your emu).

Glands.

My hormones are leaking.

Archibald

Ham

Trying to decide what to do for lunch today. I do not think I will eat ham. I am thinking about eating sausage, but only if it's hot sausage and only if it's a poboy. I might consider eating pasta, but if it has ham in it, I will reconsider. Another option is a roast beef something or other. This I will consider.

Aside from that, I could also go to Chili's and have their awesome queso and follow that up with a big, fat burger. But Chili's usually sucks, so I probably won't.

There's Chevy's, but it blows.

I think I really want pizza. An update will follow my lunching excursion.

Sunshine's Growing Family

I have just learned from my friend Sunshine, that, as soon as she drops the Mormon Emily off in a bucket of water, she and Simon are planning on growing their rapidly expanding family, this time, she says, with twins.

"Why can Liz have twins and I can't?" she recently asked me. "It's not fair. Archibald, you know how much I love to make breakfast for my new adopted Central American children. I suddenly feel like I don't have enough mouths to feed."

While they haven't yet decided on names for the fraternal twins (again, Liz-jealousy), the early front-runners are:

Boy: Jesus (the spanish pronunciation-- Seniorita Caroline's idea)
Girl: Sun (after Sunshine's Japanese mother, Sun (pronounced "Soon")

Sunshine and Simon plan on starting their marathon sex / baby production sessions in the hospital within minutes after she drops off Emily the Mormon into the proverbial bucket of water.

They are SOOOO ready for more children.

More later.

Archibald

Archibald has an equal

What to have for Breakfast

Because of their special needs, Sunshine has had to look long and hard for an appropriate breakfast cereal for her new Central American children, William and Caroline. Thank Goodness she has finally found it! The kids really love the crispy tortillas and the ooey gooey goodness of the 100% artificial cheese sauce. The only problem is they do get a little soggy when she adds the milk, but the kids are used to eating as if every meal is their last, so with the exception of the last few bites, it seems to be working out perfectly.

Also, Seniorita Caroline has mastered English enough to where Sunshine hasn't completely decided to send her back, and although her sewing has improved, she's only added mock turtlenecks to her repetoire of thongs. But I think things are looking up.

Handsome William has already finished the family taxes and has recommended they find a nice tax shelter in the Caymans with all of the money they're going to get in their refund.

Finally, I have to report that Sunshine is, in fact, pregnant with a mormon. Her name is going to be Emily if it is a girl, or Schwartz if it is a boy. Let's cross our fingers and hope for a boy mormon, as we all know Emily is a TERRIBLE name.

Love,
Archibald

Twinkie Sushi!!!

It's amazing what one finds when one spends enough time on the internet. And now, a recipe for Twinkie Sushi:

Hostess Twinkies Sushi

Japanese animation, Hello Kitty, samurais, ninjas, and Sushi are really popular right now! Here"s a wild recipe that"s super easy to make and super fun to eat as a light and fruity snack! This recipe transforms the much loved Twinkie into a hip and tropical flavored treat.

Items Needed:
* 3 Hostess Twinkies
* Assorted dried fruits
* Assorted fruity candies
* 2 green fruit roll ups
* Dried mangoes (looks like pickled ginger)

DIRECTIONS: Slice Hostess Twinkies into pieces about an inch tall. Slice fruit roll ups in strips to the long enough and wide enough to wrap around the Hostess Twinkie pieces. Wrap the fruit roll ups around the Hostess Twinkie pieces. Place dried fruits and candies into the cream filling. Place Twinkie rolls on a plate or in a bento box. Garnish with strips of dried mango to resemble pickled ginger if you wish! Serve with chopsticks if you wish.

A Hot Dog for Sunshine

Sunshine's Dreams

I appeared in Sunshine's dream last night. This is, apparently, how she became pregnant with a Mormon (soon to be named Emily). Here is an excerpt from it, written by my friend Luigi Lucriccio:

Sunshine’s dreams, while often vivid and strange, rarely bring her out of her body in the manner of her current dream; she is floating high above the French Quarter, her hair badly misbehaving, flapping against her face, some of it getting caught in her mouth. She pulls and spits out the hair, but it returns, bringing with it a multitude of other objects: a miniature camera, a jelly belly, a cupcake wrapper and a barrette. When the latter appears, she quickly grabs it and uses it to hold her hair in place. Not in the mood for sweets, she drops the jelly belly and cupcake wrapper and watch as they both descend. The jelly belly falls straight toward the top of a minivan while the wrapper floats aimlessly about in the early morning air. She turns to her right and notices Archibald hovering nearby.

“It’s one of my favorite dreams,” he says.

Although Sunshine is surprised to see him here, she is happy for some company. “What is?” she asks.

“Flying. I dream about it all the time.”

“What do you mean you can’t fly? You’re a bird.”

“I’m an ostrich, and if you’re weren’t aware before, I am a flightless bird. Useless wings,” he says, stretching out his paltry wings, batting them in the air and shrugging his bird shoulders. “The only way I can get to high places is to run really, really fast and hope gravity doesn’t catch up with me.”

This makes Sunshine think about physics, a subject she would normally avoid. “Yeah, what’s up with this? I can’t fly either. How are we able to just hover up here like a couple of loons?”

“The miracle of the rapid eye movement sleep state. Anything is possible.”

“You mean, I can become an ostrich myself?” a suddenly experimental Sunshine asks.

“Let’s not go too far.”

“Let’s,” Sunshine says. She closes her eyes and flexes her brain muscles, but when she opens her eyes, she’s still human, still Sunshine. “Damn.”

“Unfortunately, we’re just passengers, or more appropriately, the marionette of our own personal puppeteer, whoever that happens to be. I’d like to think mine is J.R. Ewing, but, since he’s fictitious, that’s probably not the case.”

“There’s no one controlling my dream!” Sunshine yells, squinting harder, gnawing her jaws together, squeezing as hard as possible to turn herself into an ostrich. When she opens her eyes again, she is not an ostrich, but has, in fact, become the Met Life blimp.

“Well done, Sunshine,” she ostrich says, tipping his hat in her direction. “Now your filled with hot air, although that’s not too much of a stretch.”

“Very funny,” the blimp fires back, although she is no longer sure if she has the proper orifice to actually speak.

Now it all makes perfect sense

Please use the following link for more information:

This will explain a little more about the above chart



Thanks,
Archibald

Seniorita Caroline

I have a feeling Seniorita Caroline is having problems adjusting to life in America. She sent me this picture in the mail.

Maybe it would be better if Sunshine sent her back to Central America after all. For what it's worth, I would miss her, but seriously, the poor thing is becoming a bit disturbed.

More For Sunshine

This is just because I have nothing better to say. Have a lovely day and eat lots of sausage.

Another Trip to the Track

On Saturday, I took the research scientist for her first trip to the racetrack ever. She had a lot of fun and we did a little bit of gambling; there was a success on that end of it. We bet 30 and won 60. Not a terrible day at the track. She had particularly good luck choosing horses for me with the word "cat" in the names of the horses.


Sunday was a really big day in the Creech household. William, who now speaks better English than both of his adopted parents, seems to also be a real whiz with numbers, so much so, that Simon has turned over the job of doing their taxes to the young, burly, Central American genius.


Sadly, things haven't gone as smoothly for Seniorita Caroline. Her sewing skills continue to languish as does her mastery of American English. Although she continues to be able to sew some high quality thongs, she can't seem to make anything else. Even a simple bandana is beyond her reach right now and Sunshine is seriously considering sending her back to Central America and finding a more suitable replacement. In fact, the only reason Sunshine hasn't sent her back is that she hasn't found a box big enough in which to ship Caroline. I, for one, hope young Seniorita Caroline can come up with something productive to give Sunshine an excuse to keep her here in America. Adoption, it seems, is more difficult than Sunshine expected.


Speaking of, it turns out Sunshine might give birth to a Mormon after all. She's even picked out a name. Emily the Mormon. More on this breaking news later.


Love,
Archibald

A picture of Sausage for Sunshine

Dreams

Last night, I had a dream that I was back in college having to take a French exam. AGAIN!!! It's a brutal dream because of my well documented problems getting out of French in the first place. (Yes, before Tommy Boy came out, I was the kid running across campus screaming "I got a D Minus!!!") So, worse than anything, I also had to write my answers in pencil on some man's driveway. Furthermore, since my recall of French has become pretty much non-existent, I had no idea how to express my answers to the questions.

I blame all of this on Natalie's blog, btw.

Sunshine phoned last night to inform me that she is waiting for Guffman.

My office

The first floor of my building smells like my old day camp at Kehoe France. Those were some of the best times of my life. I remember an entire summer playing tennis ball baseball, the most fun game ever invented. I miss camp and wish I were there right now (although, because it's raining, we wouldn't be able to play tennis ball baseball and would be, instead, in the gym being bored shitless, so I guess I should watch what I wish for.

Seniorita Caroline called me last night to ask me (in Spanish) if I needed her to sew me a thong. "Ostiches don't wear thongs," I replied in English to an utterly befuddled Caroline. Then William got on the phone and told me in some pretty decent English (he's taking to the language a little more quickly; I think he's at the right age), "I love pizza. And baths."

Simon the Burly Soldier then took the phone and told them, "Get back to work or you're sleeping in the garage again."

Ah, family life!

It's Raining in my Office

Drip, drip, drip. It's a fantastic sound, especially since it ruined a bunch of my database diagrams. Fuck.

The price of gas

I like this picture, although I doubt it would go down well in a Mexican restaurant. Beans, beans, wonderful fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot!

Tonight, I will be receiving a visit from the research scientist. We're going to drink champagne and I'm going to cook her some Albondingas (spanish meatballs). And then she's going to sleep over. We might have a pillow fight; it's cool if the pillow breaks open because we can just fill it back up with my excess feathers (I'm shedding a little lately. It might be early onset Alzheimer's).

I'm thinking about starting a wedding band and singing songs from the 80's. I wanted to call the band "Cantankerous," but Sunshine says she's already claimed that name.

In other Sunshine related news, the two new hispanic children (Caroline and William) the Creech family adopted are doing really well in their new jobs. Sunshine has already taught the eldest, Caroline, how to sew her counterfeit linens and says she should be ready for the sweat shop in a month or so. And William has been teaching his mom how to make tortillas from wood shavings. Although Sunshine won't eat them herself, this should be a great way to feed the kids, keeping food costs low.

Adios!

Slices of Heaven

I've decided that I really love pizza, so much so, that I might turn into a pizza.

That being said, I really don't like broccoli, so much so, that when I smell it, I become physically ill.

Another thing I really like is La Boca Steakhouse on Fulton Street. The research scientist and I are thinking about making a visit there again on Friday night. They have a fabulous hanger steak and really good asparagus.

Something I don't like very much is Utah. Mormons everywhere.

What I do like, however, is St. Maarten. They have really cheap booze and a lot of swim-up bars. This makes an ostrich very happy indeed! There's a game they play at the end of the runway in STM where you try to stand up when the planes fly over (because they're so damn close). Pretty much everybody falls down when the planes arrive, at least when the big 747s come in. The bar at the end of the runway has a chalkboard that lists the arrival times of the bi planes so that people can go (with their drinks in hand) and stand at the end of the runway and try to stand up. The picture tells the whole story.

Fun With the Kids

So it turns out Sunshine (while not capable of having anything but Mormons) and Simon have adopted two children, named Caroline and William, from a very poor country in Central America.

Simon came to NOLA on Saturday to take his new family to the Zoo, but after speaking with me, we thought taking them to the track would be a real hoot. And since Caroline and William only speak Spanish, they really didn't know what they were missing. Simon said "caballo," and the kids laughed and clapped.

So we arrived sometime before the third race. Simon plopped the kids up on the bar while we did a couple of vodka shots and chased them with some whiskey sours, which, I have to admit, weren't as awful as I thought they'd be. In the interest of keeping the kids excitement to a minimum, Simon got them a couple of daquiris.

For the third race, while she was still awake, Simon let Caroline pick the race for him. He held her up to the betting machine and she pushed a couple of numbers and ordered an exacta. The odds ended up being something like 180-1, but since Simon had only put a couple of bucks in the machine, he wasn't too upset, although he did slap her upside her head. "Parenting," he said. "You have to teach them the value of gambling at a young age."

And sure enough, Caroline's exacta hit and Simon was awash with money. "I think it's time to hit the strip club," Simon said.

We piled the now drunk and happily sleeping kids into the minivan, drove over to Downman Road and went into Visions Men's Club. With Caroline and William sleeping happily on the bar, Simon had fifteen lap dances until William puked up his red daquiri. Poor William! It got all over his LSU hat and a little bit of it got into Caroline's hair. Simon, being the very good parent he is, got a couple of bar napkins and wiped most of the vomit from William's face, after which, he sighed, got his last lap dance, threw the kids in the back of the minivan and drove his drunk ass back to Baton Rouge.

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

I have a serious new addiction to Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. It's this amazing show on BBC where this really famous chef goes into failing restaurants and makes them work (for the most part). Some of the shit going on behind the scenes in these places is so appalling that it's amazing that they ever managed to stay in business in the first place. Which brings me to my bitch of the day:


I went to Langenstiens to get some Yellowfin Tuna for Valentine's Day dinner with the research scientist. Normally, I would consider them to be top notch purveyors of fish; with fish you really have to be careful, but, well, it seems that even they are slipping. The tuna, while not completely bad, tasted strongly enough of fish that I knew it was past its prime, which is sad, because that's what I made us for dinner. Well, that and some really amazing asparagus. So I guess it's now nothing but Whole Foods and the $19.99 a pound ahi. What a pain in the ass!

Sunshine and Simon

Finally, photographic evidence! Sunshine IS NOT pregnant. This picture of Sunshine and Simon was taken yesterday outside the I-55 Stuckey's in Hammond, LA. Clearly, here we can see both the fact that Sunshine is NOT pregnant, but that she has aged quite a bit, whereas Simon hasn't changed one iota.


I feel better already.

Hmm...

I'm pretty sure this photo speaks for itself. God bless New Orleans!

My Old Boss

Click here to see what happens when you can get away with murder

Luigi and the Research Scientist at Mardi Gras

An Update for Natalie

As per Natalie's request, I will now post updated information on the spies who live 4 blocks from my house.

Click Here for Espionage

Also, I need to say that I've had two cigarettes today. Quit day is a week from yesterday, so wish me luck.

Saturday, Chelsea vs. Huddersfield 5th Round FA Cup match will be on Fox Soccer Channel at 11:00 a.m. central time.

This weekend promises to be very interesting. There's the game, of course, but then Sunday, I'm bringing the research scientist over to my mom's house to meet the rents and my Grandmother, whose 88th birthday will be on Sunday. Needless to say, at her advanced age, she is rather hard of hearing and sometimes just hears what she wants to hear. I hope the research scientist isn't too frightened.

In other news, I have decided to give up panic attacks for a while. They're such a pain in the ass and, well, they're also _so_ 1998. It's a new decade. No more panic attacks. We'll see how long this lasts. Probably as long as Sunshine's fake pregnancy.

Streetcar Accident?

Apparently, two streetcars got in a head to head accident today on Canal Street. How is that possible?

Streetcars Collide

Also, somebody was arrested this morning around the corner from my house for Espionage. Not murder. Not gang activity. Espionage.

This has been a very strange Monday indeed.

One more thing: I have only had one cigarette today.

Whew!!!

I've been tired since Mardi Gras, which, as you can tell from these headlines, was really, really a lot of work. But I'm finally done with all that foolishness and ready to get back to what I do best: drink more mimosas.


I'm happy to report that Big Brother, Mardi Gras Style, went off without anybody being kicked off the premesis. I guess this means that next season will be hosted by Marie Osmond.


On the book-reading front, I just finished Absurdistan. A few words about this book: Funny, yeah, sometimes. But I found it mostly to be disgusting for the sake of disgusting and really, although I finally saw an arc in the character, the trip from a. to b. happened far too suddenly, right there at the end as if the author just couldn't keep writing anymore. I'm glad he made that decision because I was done with the book. I give it a C+. Only read it if you want to be mildly amused and like to hear about (often) about a first person narrator's mangled penis.


Finally, I would like to thank Simon the Burly Soldier for removing the last of Disco Darryl from his home. Life is much better that way.

Happy Mardi Gras

In case anybody is in a bad mood, this will solve that problem immediately:

http://www.linein.org/media/screenclean.swf

Look for me on the route. I'll be the one in feathers with a bow tie and a top hat.

Too Many Mimosas!!!

Heidi Melia is a hooker. She charges 75 cents for a blow job. For an extra dollar, she'll let you probe her anus with an unsharpened pencil.

Therein lies the problem. First, it's an established fact that Heidi doesn't suck cock. Second, (although for just a dollar, it's worth the money) who in their right mind would want to probe her anus with an unsharpened pencil?

Luckily, I have a really powerful computer on loan from NASA. I entered the above information into my new computer and after stuttering for a while and spewing smoke, it came up with this answer (and I quote):

"Lips bring pleasant folks the anus of infinity."

Followed by:

"Fuck while you can; the flacid, they die."

So there's that, for what it's worth.

Spotted!!!

Sunshine and Liz are away on vacation. They're in Vegas. Is it just me, or does Sunshine actually look pregnant in this picture? It's hard to tell. If she's planning on having a baby, she needs to move to Utah where it can grow up and be a mormon in peace.

Also, I'm very excited about the new shopping venue opening in NOLA. It's called the French Market and it is a place where you can buy fruits and vegetables from abroad and, if the right boat comes in, you can get some slaves, fresh from Africa!

God Bless the USA!!!

Archibald's Election Guide

Well, okay, it's not mine, but it's certainly helpful, especially for an alien like myself. Finally, now I know who I'm dealing with.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html

Hope this helps!

Just to make Mardi Gras Big Brother more fun

Booohhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Beer probably doesn't like this idea very much.

Weekend One, Done

Yes, Pat. I would like to buy a vowel. Can I have an "E?"

I would like to paint a picture of this weekend for all of my devoted readers, but I am a terrible painter. Regardless, I can attest to the fun that is Carnival, even when it's overcast and cold. And do you want to know why? One word: Mimosas. Greatest invention ever.

Another tidbit: The Research Scientist is addicted to champagne. She carries bottles of the stuff in her car, "Just in case." This suits me just fine, as I have now found myself stocking the refrigerator with an unlimited supply of orange juice.

The hamsterfish and Heidi meltdown day is fast approaching. The over / under on time spent without bloodshed is holding firm at 23 minutes. Mr. Beer has already started taking volunteers for his blood drive in order to replenish the combatants when they are sent to their corners.

Also, in another side bet in Vegas, the odds of Wren punching me in the nuts currently sits at 2/1. If I were a betting man, I'd take those odds.

Sex!!!!!!

My Upcoming Weekend

So, after work today, the research scientist is planning on spending the weekend with yours truly, the baddest bird in the 504, Archibald. As many of you know, it's Mardi Gras time and with this being the first weekend of parades, much celebrating is to be had.

Tonight's parades are Oshun and Pygmalion. It's going to be nice and cold outside and research scientists are well known for clinging to their favorite birds when the temperature gets chilly. I welcome this, as this means she will be close enough to fetch the many beers I will surely be requesting. Mush camel!

After speaking with Mr. Beer, I have decided that Big Brother, Mardi Gras Style should have one more obstacle to make things more interesting: Heidi's brother, Chauncey, should show up unannounced and rip roaring drunk. He should sit out on the front porch and yell obscenities to all of the passers by and then offer to fry them turkeys.

Finally, I would like to congratulate Simon the Burly Soldier, who returned from war last night just in time to explain to Sunshine that she is not pregnant, but just plain fat. Poor Sunshine! But good job, Simon! Sunshine's delusions of parenthood were bound to cause her to do something extreme, like buy a minivan, and that would be just plain depressing.

Hello, and Happy Mardi Gras.

Big Brother, Mardi Gras Style

Encephalitis Pete, currently drilling for oil in the North Sea, had a fantastic idea for the comings and goings at Coliseum and Cadiz: We should set up cameras and have a live vote every night, whether to let them stay or vote to evict. But I say let's make it even better. We can also vote to evict the homeowner!!! Now that ups the stakes. Or, we can evict only one or two of the children and send them to social services for the duration of Carnival. Or the cat. Or, we can make it messy and vote to evict the washing machine, the shower nozzles and the sinks.

I give the whole enterprise 24 hours, myself, but a bird has been known to be wrong from time to time.

Tonight

Well, boys and girls, it looks like the research scientist is coming for a visit this evening. We're going to "hang out."

Also in the news, Encephalitis Pete, currently offshore in the North Sea near Scotland, is planning on being in the NOLA area from Tuesday until Mardi Gras day. He has requested the childless Sunshine make an appearance, but since she's delusional, it's probably not going to happen.

Also, I'm nearly finished reading Absurdistan. It's not nearly as good as I had expected (considering the glowing reviews) and I don't think I'll recommend it to any of my friends. Sure, it can be funny, but some of the jokes get repetitive. And sometimes it's just plain disgusting, and not in a funny way.

However, I just started reading The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. It's starting off as a very promising novel.

Also on the reading (it's my current e-book) list is What is the What? by Dave Eggers. It's nothing like anything he's ever done. It's a novel but also basically the autobiography of one of the "Lost Children" of Darfur and is absolutely heartbreaking, uplifting and an unbelievable education on the genocide taking place (still to this day) in Sudan. I'm about a third of the way through and am already recommending this one.

Mardi Gras is coming

No, I have not turned green and orange, and, no, I have not learned how to play the purple saxophone. That being said, however, I am very much looking forward to the festivities starting this Friday. My research scientist will be hanging out this weekend, so if any of you are around, maybe I'll let you meet her, or maybe I won't.

In other news, I'm still a little worried about Sunshine. She's still claiming she has two kids and another on the way. And now she's even getting baby clothes in the mail and selling her house where she and Simon live comfortably in their three bedrooms. Why get a bigger house? It's not like they have any kids. My guess is that they plan on starting a counterfeit linens enterprise in BR and need the extra space for that. So for the love of God, Sunshine, quit with this illusion that you're a mother. We all know you can't have anything but Mormons, and the last time I checked, there weren't any dorks on bicycles circling your house.

Finally, there's a storm brewing at the corner of Cadiz and Coliseum. The Hamsterfish (aka Robert Knapp) has decided to invite the ex and the ex's husband to stay with he and his girlfriend for the second weekend of Mardi Gras. This is, quite possibly, the worst idea on the planet, even worse than Britney Spears decision to procreate. I will be posting many updates on the comings and goings, but I predict blood.

It was a very good weekend, indeed!

Friday night, Archibald met a girl, a research scientist. Needless to say, feathers flew! We spent the weekend together and many mimosas were consumed.

A post for Sunshine

SCARY!!!!!!!

Christmas on Earth

Last night's dream:

The setting was beautiful Biloxi Beach, circa 1972, except it was a lot more like Atlantic City. I was staying in a huge skyscraper. The hotel had a fabulous, wood paneled bar, way up at the top of the building so you were overlooking the people on the beach. Kept running into people who I knew I'd run into but wasn't really in the mood to commisserate with. Once on the beach, the waves were hugely unpredicitable. While this scared most of the other people in the water, for me, it was fun; body surfing, it seemed, had become my greatest art, and I looked forward to bigger and bigger swells so I could glide toward the shore at higher and higher speeds.

I returned to the hotel only to find that the bar had become packed with people. Ran into a girl I used to know but couldn't remember her name. She was in a green velvet dress and I was so pissed I counldn't remember what her name was, because she was a beautiful bird. She knew my name. Damn.

It's Christmas in the 4th Dimension

And here's what the little boys and girls are busy doing:

Missing

Everyone, please, please, Jenny Kogos has gone missing. Please, please, if you see her anywhere, let the authorities know!!! Hopefully this picture will help.

Love,

Archibald

The end has come for LSU

National Champion LSU Retires At The Top Of Its Game

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/national_champion_lsu_retires_at

Mobile Meth Lab Returns!

My band is releasing a greatest hits album, once my old bandmate gets off his ass and makes the damn thing. Anywhoo, here is the artwork for the cover. Special thanks to Simon the Burly Soldier for playing the part of the child.

What not to cook

So, I had some leftover jambalaya my friend Luigi made, but I wasn't in the mood for jambalaya. So, I decided, why not make a crab cake out of jambalaya? I did.

Think fried spam. Very bad idea. Food-processed jambalaya in any form is putrid.

But the sauce I made for it was DELICIOUS.

Anyhow, here's a picture of Sunshine and Liz from back in fifth grade. Don't they look young?

Sunshine's Quiz

1. Do you still have tonsils? no

2. Would you bungee jump? that's the closest i ever get to flying.

3. If you could do anything in the world for a living what would it be? be a champion nipple tester

4. How many tattoos do you have? 0

5. Your favorite fictional animal? Hamsterfish

6. One person that never fails to make you laugh? Sunshine

7. Do you consider yourself well organized? what me?

8. Any addictions? scotch, vodka, orange juice, nipples

9. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? Sunshine

10. Would you rather go to a carnival or circus? Circus. The carinval might have mimes.

11. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? an oyster

12. Best movie you've seen this year? what's a movie? Oh, you mean like Dallas...

13. Favorite alcoholic drink? Screwdriver

14. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? russle my feathers

15. Siblings? What is a sibling?

16. (make up your own question here) Why do children bury beef jerkys in the sand? It's great for me, because they're scruptious, but why would they give up their beef jerkys? Is it to appease the sand Gods?

17. Have you ever gone to therapy? The Rapist?

18. If you could have one super power what would it be? Flying!!!!!

19. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? No, but I've eaten some.

20. Have you ever gone camping? yes

21. Gas prices! First thought? You have to pay to fart?

22. Your favorite cartoon character? Bullwinkle

23. What was your first car? I am not a licensed driver.

24. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? I try not to think in terms of dates.

25. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? Simpsons

26. Do you go to church? Only on the days they're serving wine.

27. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? J.R. Ewing

28. What errand/chore do you despise? Cleaning

29. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? What is an alarm.

30. Last time you puked from drinking? Alcohol does not make me sick.

31. What is your heritage? I am from another planet

32. Favourite flower? Whatever flower makes scotch

33. Disney or Warner Bros? Warner Bros.

34. What is your best childhood memory? I was on the second moon of Blimpton. I had taken the shape of a nemotode and accidentally infected one of the heads of a three headed Mormon Moose with syphilis. The other two heads disapproved greatly.

35. Your favorite potato chip? salt and vinegar chips

36. What is your favorite candy? Screwdrivers

37. Do you burn or tan? My feathers are SPF 9000

38. Astrological sign? Cancer

39. Do you own a gun? No.

40. What do you think of hot dogs? I think they are scruptious, especially on a bed of beef jerky shavings.

Thursday is for Lovers

Hi, all! Just wanted to let all of my loyal readers know that I had a dream last night that I was playing scrabble at the United Nations. I beat the crap out of the guy from Burma but lost a close one against the distinguished gentlman from Belgium. Damn those triple word scores!

It's been a while

Sorry about the length of time since my last post, but I had to go to the home planet for some Botox treatment. Anywhoo, I look like a much younger version of Archibald than before, so you might not recognize me if I'm not wearing my top hat and bow tie.

Well, 2008 has been quite exciting, to say the least! I got an email from Sunshine. She has been blogging under the pseudonym Katherine C. Her blog is located at surlywhitefemale.blogspot.com. Please feel free to send her many letters of encouragement because, at this moment, she is hallucenating that she has two children and is pregnant with another. Oh, that silly Sunshine! We all know that a woman with a Japanese mother is unable to give birth to anything other than Mormons.

In other news, the hamsterfish drank so much on New Years that he got sick for an entire week.

Also, Luigi cooked the most delicious jambalaya last night. It was so good that I might have caught a case of the heartburn. SPICY.

Okay, well, fear not. Archibald is back, and this time, there are going to be some feathers flying (but not me, sadly).

A sad, greasy ostrich

I've been without my female concubine ostrich for four whole days, and I feel lonely.

This is not an ostrich emotion. I've been hanging out with people like J.R. Ewing for way too long. Worse than that, I've been listening to Supertramp's greatest hits. TALK ABOUT DEPRESSING! They keep telling me to take the long way home.

The other day, Elizabeth Robicheaux told me she was heading to Mexico for a couple of days. As luck dictates, I, myself, will be burying my head in the sand in San Diego, California, very close to Mexico, indeed.

Do you think she'll meet me for a Mimosa?

Chickens are so stupid

CHICKEN AND DUMPLING SOUP

• 10 chicken thighs, boneless
• 4 quarts water
• 1 medium onion
• 2 bay leaves
• 1 tbsp salt
• 1 tsp black pepper
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 2 red bell peppers
• 1/2 large package baby carrots
• 8 chicken bouillon cubes
• 2 tubes oven-ready buttermilk biscuits

Combine first 7 ingredients in a large pot. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and cover for 1 hour. Add chopped peppers and whole baby carrots. Bring back to a boil and reduce heat and simmer for another hour. Chicken should be shredded at this point. Add bouillon cubes and allow to incorporate. Taste stock and add more bouillon to taste. When stock is ready, take unprepared biscuits and dice them by hand, dropping them into the boiling stock, careful not to let newly incorporated dumplings touch. Add ¼ of the biscuits, stir and repeat until all the biscuits are used. Cover and stir thoroughly every five minutes for thirty minutes. Serve with grilled cheese sandwiches.

(grilled cheese should always be cut into triangles)

Tuna. The Freshmaker

OK. Hi. Hello. Howdy.

Archibald loves the summer about as much as he loves candied apples, which is to say, not very much.

It is very hot outside.

Hello? Anybody there? I said it is very hot outside.

(how hot is it?)

It is so hot, that I can't make a joke about it. It's that damn hot.

(head buried)