Fun Google Image Search: Lard!!!

And of course, the lard sculpture:

Sunshine's New House

Since the adoption of young Weebs from Central America, with all of the money he has made them through several "questionable" offshore banking transactions, Sunshine and Simon would like to announce the purchase of their new estate, somewhere just off Bluebonnet in Baton Rouge. Although the house will only have seventeen bedrooms and three private ballrooms, Sunshine says this will have to do.

"Keeping up with the Nolands is a real bitch and, well, they just don't have a lot of proper mansions in the greater Baton Rouge area," she told me while shopping for her new Land Rover, after which she added, "I have two breasts and their names are Rita and Shelly, which is a good thing to have two of them as, of course, I should be having twins in the next ten to eleven months."

State of the Union

Research Scientist Ouch

The Research Scientst has been bedridden all week. She did something to her back and hasn't been able to sit up for any long stretches of time. This would suck and I feel terrible for her. So, that being said, I'm glad we didn't make any plans to go to the beach for the weekend. But, at the same time, I sure hope she's not bedridden the entire weekend, either, because that would be horrible.

Now, onto other news. Today is Kristy C.'s birthday. Happy Birthday.

Ishtar has flown back to Louisville, and boy are his arms tired!

Milk. It does a body good. (unless you're lactose intolerant, but I'll save that conversation for another day).

Happy weekend.

Love,
Archibald

Ishtar in the Hizzy

Being a historical displacement specialist, I am always on the lookout for new technological advances. That's why I called the diabolical hacker known as Ishtar. He's in town today to help me liberate data, because, as well all know, data, it wants to be free.

Anywhoo, once he successfully smuggled his camera, pda, cellphone, laptop, i-phone and circa 1984 IBM keyboard through customs, he met with me today at my lab. It was a hoot. We broke into NORAD and started playing a game called Global Thermonuclear War with a computer named WOPR. Then, all of a sudden, Ally Sheedy arrived. It really was a lot of fun. But now I'm getting worried. There are a bunch of guys getting out of a Ford Crown Victoria. They're wearing sunglasses and.....

Funny True Story

Wed May 21, 7:26 AM ET

TOKYO - When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught — recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help.

Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor's roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said.

He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet.

"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura," the bird told the veterinarian, according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs.

"We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we've found Yosuke," Uemura said.

The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years.

But Yosuke apparently wasn't keen on opening up to police officials.

"I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely ignored me," Uemura said.

Champions League Final

Today, 1:30 CST, from Moscow. Versus Manchester United. Couldn't think of a better matchup. I will let the DVR do its work and will be watching the minute I get home from work. ManU won the league, so today is all about revenge.

Nakatomi Plaza

Oh my God, the quarterback is TOAST!

I'm Agent Johnson, this is Special Agent Johnson. No relation.

All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.

Sister Teresa called me Mr McClane in the Third Grade. My friends call me John... and you're neither, shithead.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What have we here, gentlemen? The police have themselves an RV.

and then, my favorite:

John McClane: Is the building on fire?
Sergeant Al Powell: No, but it's gonna need a paint job and a shit load of screen doors.

Hungry?

A friend of mine sent this to me today. I thought I'd share.

Weekend Festivities

Nope, sorry, no Emeril's. We went to Herbsaint and it was AMAZING. Perfect gnocchi for an appetizer. I had lamb shoulder for the entree; the Research Scientist had the pork belly. Both were earth shatteringly good.

Now, about Heidi M. She did not puke during the race, but did, indeed, lose her lunch directly after crossing the finish line. Way to hold back!!! So, we were supposed to get together with her and Mr. Beer on Saturday night, but when I finally got in touch with them, Heidi said, "Well, right now we're at Rick's Caberet and I'm getting a lap dance." So I decided against meeting them. Anywhoo.

Instead, I cooked the Research Scientist Veal Piccata. I did a really amazing job. I know this because RS, a girl who usually picks at her food, cleaned her plate entirely.

On Sunday, I went shopping, as today is RS's birthday. I can't mention any of the things I got her because she might read this. Suffice it to say that I wasn't supposed to get anything, but I broke the rules and got her a few things she'll really like. Pink things. Girly things.

Free Nelson Mandela!

Wet Friday

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm sick of the rain. It's been going on for like three days straight. It's so bad that I can't even bury my head in the sand: there's no sand. It's all mud.

Now, on to more pressing items on the agenda. What's for dinner tonight. I'm taking the Research Scientist out for an early birthday. Pretty sure I'll be taking her to Emerils. She's never been and, well, the place is so amazingly delicious. Yep. That's it. I just made up my mind. So now, does anybody know anyone in the market for a new kidney? I'll need to hock mine in order to pay for dinner.

Also, Heidi M. will be in town with Mr. Beer for the Bar-a-Thon. Hopefully she doesn't puke on herself during the race.

Today's Google Image Search: Zombies!

Book Update

I've decided to read some short stories from "Girl With Curious Hair" by DFW, while waiting for his book, "Supposedly Fun Things I'll Never Do Again" to arrive from Amazon.

Just in case anybody cared.

Chili's

Today's post is a dumb post, but it's a post. I ate lunch at Chili's today, and do you know what they were out of?

Can you guess?

Tortilla chips. Yes, you heard it here first. They were out of chips. So, for the first time in my life, I got the chili. Quite the yum factor, actually. Had it with a turkey sandwich (not so good).

After lunch, I went to Target, where I bought white t-shirts and white socks.

(I told you this was going to be a crappy post.)

Heidi M. and Mr. Beer are going to be in town for the Bar-a-thon on Friday. Is anybody else coming? Bad Repp? It starts at Le Bon Temps, after all.

Finito!!!

Today, at lunch, I finished The Corrections. Great book. It's like losing an old friend. Bad Repp, if you read this, it's a great book and a must read. If you like good fiction. It's a bit sprawling but never seems to bog down, a real credit to the author.

Almost done with White Noise, but Delillo is starting to lose me a bit. I hope he shows up for the final 100 pages, but right now, I'm not nearly as emphatic in my praise for it (as compared to something like The Corrections) as I once was.

Not sure what is next in line. I was planning on a second Delillo, but I'm wary. I will wait on that one until after I finish White Noise. I tried to find a non-fiction book written by David Foster Wallace "A Supposed Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again: Essays and Arguments" at the Barnes and Noble, but the woman behind the counter (read: incompetent) said it never came out in paperback, and the hardcover was out of print. I doubted that the paperback never came out and, lo and behold, type David Foster Wallace in the search box and the second book listed (IN PAPERBACK) is the one I'm looking for. Now I'm screwed. The one book I am sure I want to read is available, but since I've finished The Corrections, I need a book IMMEDIATELY, otherwise, my 3 book system will fall immediately to pieces. So, it looks like my bookshelf will get a visit. But that's just it-- off the top of my head, I can't think of anything on my bookshelf screaming my name right now, which is why, of course, they're still on the bookshelf. Perhaps I will try and finish The Teatherballs of Bougainville, but, well, there was a reason I put it down in the first place. What to do, what to do...

The State of Archibald

Overall, things are going quite well. I've started working on my new project at work and, of course, it's already quite the masterpiece. My employers are mucho impressed.

The Research Scientist has been seen at Casa Archibald on a regular basis. We sometimes play Scrabble, but often, we do other things. I like to cook her appetizers, never entrees. She likes to do crossword puzzles and likes to change clothes nearly as often as Sunshine, and that's saying something! Also, she visited Mama Duck over the weekend for Mother's Day. We ate lamb chops, smoked salmon and artisan blue cheese. There was, of course, a good deal of champagne involved. (we also made out in the laundry room!!! he, he, he!!!)

This coming Monday is her birthday, so I've got to plan on doing something special. I was thinking about some kind of fancy-shmancy dinner out, maybe Emeril's or something. I've got an extra kidney to sell, right?

In other news, Heidi M. told me she has to sell her Ford Excursion because it gets 3 miles to the gallon and is costing her a thousand dollars a month to keep gassed up. (okay, I might be stretching it, but not by much.) I told her she should get a Vespa, but that's not particularly practical when you have three kids to tote around. How about a Vespa and a really big side car? I'll have to keep thinking on this one.

Good luck on grad school, Bad Repp.

The Research Scientist

This is her idea of a purse. I think she's got it mostly right.

New Film

I am obviously very excited to see this. Story of my life.

New Computer

My old laptop is at the edge of death, so it was time to buy a new laptop. I ended up getting a Dell. It's going to be black. It will be here in a few weeks. The new laptop will also be very fast.

Now, I guess all I need to do is wait. I'm not very good at waiting.

Shopping, Archibald Style

Sew, today, after work, I am heading on a grocery mission. First on the agenda is Rouse's, where I will be purchasing cat food, beer, paper towels and cigarettes. Next, I will be heading to Whole Foods (HEAVEN!!!) where I will collect the following necessities for Mother's Day: smoked salmon, shallots, lemons and goat cheese. Then that's where the fun begins.

I have recently developed an olive addiction, and nowhere can that addiction be better fed than at the Whole Paycheck. The Basque Olive Mix is a personal favorite. The other thing I like to do is buy caperberries and peppadews and make what I call a Mediterranean popsiscle. Basically, I stuff the caperberry into the peppadew and eat them at the same time. It's really awesome. You should all try one the next time you're at the Whole 401K.

Anywhoo, after replenishing my olive collection, I will peruse the cheeses, asking to taste at least three before settling on something particularly stinky. Stinky cheeses, if you can stand them, really are the tastiest. Lastly, I will probably get a 365 Key Lime Soda, head to the check out and hope I don't have to take out a small business loan in order to pay for my purchases.

I'm sure there will be a bottle of wine purchased somewhere in-between, although I am sure to steer clear of the ostrich meat for obvious reasons.

Wish me luck!

My fun google image search

Peaches:

Peaches and Herb!:

And, of course, a bunny:

Sunshine, Simon and Liz

Sunshine, her husband Simon, and their nanny, Elizabeth N., all went on vacation to the beach. They're staying at the Conquistador hotel in Fort Walton Beach, FL. Since they brought their nanny along, however, the kids had to be taken to the kennel. It's okay, though, because the kennel has specially trained robots who speak both Spanish and Mormon.

Weebs, of course, was left at home, as he has to finalize the tax shelter he is building for the new coal mining business in Zaire. Nevermind that there's no coal in Zaire. (Shhh.... it's a front.) Dare I say "counterfeit linens?" We'll just have to wait and see.

Charlie's Steak House

My carnivore will roar soon. Finally, probably the last restaurant to open since the storm will open in June. Yes, ladies and germs, Charlie's Steak House has been completely renovated. Filet or T-Bone? I am going to growl and gnarl. Anybody want to join me????

I cannot wait. Potatoes au gratin? Bleu Cheese salad wedge? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw; I am excited.

What is the What

Amazing book. Just finished. Highly recommended. Reshaped what I consider to be my place on the planet. I think that's saying a lot.

“I cannot recall the last time I was this moved by a novel. What Is the What is that rare book that truly deserves the overused and scarcely warranted moniker of ‘sprawling epic.’ Told with humor, humanity, and bottomless compassion for his subject, one Valentino Achak Deng, Eggers shows us the hardships, disillusions, and hopes of the long suffering people of southern Sudan. This is the story of one boy’s astonishing capacity to endure atrocity after atrocity and yet refuse to abandon decency, kindness, and hope for home and acceptance. It is impossible to read this book and not be humbled, enlightened, transformed. I believe I will never forget Valentino Achak Deng.”

—KHALED HOSSEINI, author of The Kite Runner

I cannot remember reading something that has stayed with me nearly as much as this book. If you don't read it, you're missing out on something incredible.

Fellatio

Fellatio. Cunnilingus. EMO. SMD. All great things. Except when interrupted by a period. Period.

Kentucky Derby

Tomorrow is the running of the Kentucky Derby. I am sad that I am not going to be there because, well, there are lots of beautiful women in hats. and not just any hats. DERBY hats.



So, since I'm not there and definitely not going to the Jazz Fest, this ostrich has to figure out something to do this weekend. The Research Scientist and I will probably head out to dinner tonight, but then what? Should we go fishing? Spelunking? Marinate a chicken breast?

Please. Comments and suggestions are very welcome.

Chelsea 3 - Liverpool 2

Frank Lampard's mom died from Pneumonia this past Thursday. From the BBC:

Pat Lampard, 58, died on Thursday after being admitted to hospital on 14 April. She was the wife of West Ham legend Frank senior.

Lampard, 29, sat out the Premier League games against Wigan and Everton to be at her bedside, but played in Tuesday's Champions League semi-final first leg at Liverpool after his mother's condition improved.

His participation in Tuesday's second leg at Stamford Bridge is also in doubt.

Grant said: "We are a close family here at Chelsea and all our sympathies are with him and his family. We just want to make sure that, when Frank comes back, we will still be fighting (for the Premier and Champions League titles). "

Then last night. I particularly like the second one:

Not enough hours

Because this ostrich requires an inordinate amount of sleep, I never seem to have the time to do all of the things my day requires. For instance, today, when I get off of work, I want to go to the grocery, take a nice long, brisk walk and then watch the Chelsea / Liverpool Champions League semi-final. But do you know what? I probably will not have enough time. This is due to a variety of problems.

Problem 1: My grocery store (Rouse's, a huge improvement over the old Sav A Center) never seems to stock the right kind of toilet paper. I'm a big fan of Kleenex Cottonelle, but somehow, they're always out. So I'll spend a good ten minutes having a conversation with my derriere in the toilet paper aisle deciding what to do. Ultimately, I will settle for something rough and scratchy, the kind of TP one usually finds in a truck stop.

Problem 2: It's becoming summer. This has me truly at wit's end. This bird doesn't particularly like the heat and humidity, which means this bird will ultimately find himself exercising at some gym of some kind. This will take more precious minutes away.

Problem 3: My maid has been gone since August of 2005 and since then, my house has become a landfill. There aren't enough hours in a month to deal with this problem. Yet, there it is (my house), festering around me.

Problem 4: My pussy needs to be shaved. (it is becoming summer, after all)

Problem 5: Does anybody ever find that one night, they might feel like cooking a chicken breast, but everybody knows that chicken can kind of suck if it's not marinated over night, and then, the next day, you're not so much in the mood for chicken? (frog legs, perhaps, or an olive salad?)

Problem 6: Blogging. It's an addiction and a curse.

Books I'm Reading

I'm coming to the end of the three books I'm reading at almost the exact same time. All three have been great reads although for totally different reasons.

First thing's first: I HEART Don Delillo. White Noise is simply the best thing I've read since Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace), and for the people who know how I feel about that book, well, it's high praise indeed.

The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen has also been a great read. It's wacky, heartfelt and insanely real in a lot of ways that are both disturbing and comical. There's a particularly fecal scene on a cruise ship that is both wildly over the top, heartbreaking and somehow realistic all at the same time. If you've read the book, then you know what I'm talking about.

The third book (actually an audiobook) is What is the What by Dave Eggers. This is the autobiography of real-life Sudanese refugee Valentino Achak Deng written as a novel. I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. Let's just say that some people have been through more in their life by the age of ten than the rest of us will have to endure if we live to be a thousand. What's worse is, it's all true, documented and it just makes you angry what human beings are capable of doing to other human beings because they believe in another god and have a slightly different tint to the color of their skin. Or the fact that children can flee a war, walking across a country the size of Texas, end up in another country (Ethiopia) only to have that country have a civil war itself, at which time the refugees are forced back into their own country (Sudan) where they will be hunted, or be shot. And there isn't much time to make that decision because the bad guys from the new regime (in Ethiopia) are standing at your doorway with guns themselves.


Click here for more information on Valentino Achak Deng

I am a grammar snob

It's one of my biggest peeves: people who use incorrect grammar in emails. (God help me if I screw the grammar in this post!) I'm talking about the ones that people do EVERY DAMN DAY. The comma splice usually throws me for the biggest loop, grammatically speaking. This is our common, shared language, and most of my friends, it appears, are illiterate.

Then there's there:



But I think my biggest pet peeve of all is apostrophe abuse. Thanks to Bad Repp for linking this from her site:

Apostrophe Abuse

It's a plural, people, not a possessive.

(Spell checker was used for this post.)

Would you like fries with that?

Weekends full of rain, milky residue on the kitchen counter from God only knows what, a plate full of olives...

These are a few of my favorite things!

I have to admit, this past weekend was a complete blur, minus the one trip I took to World Market and Office Depot. Way, way too much rain. The good news:

1. Chelsea beat Manchester United to move into a tie for the lead with two games remaining.

2. The Hornets spanked the Mavs to move to within one game of heading to the next round.

The bad news:

I did jack shit all weekend. When I read Bad Repp's blog and saw all the stuff that she did, I was like, "Oh, I guess that's what people with lives do." Quite depressing, when I think about it. And maybe, just maybe, I'm mad at Bad Repp because she got to go to Seniorita Caroline's birthday party and I did not (only because I am a boy-- I shouldn't feel so bad; Knarf was also rejected, and his masculinity is questionable at best).

The okay news:

I very much enjoyed the Inside the Actors Studio with Dave Chappelle, and only saw it because it was raining and there was nothing else on. He's a very funny, sick dude.

Finally, I think Sunshine should name her new twins (she's pregnant AGAIN, and it's twins) Gilbert and Sullivan.

That is all.

Archibald

Blogging the Bunny

Hi. My name's Hoppity and I've temporarily taken over Archibald's account. I hope you don't mind.

Anyway, since my name is Hoppity, you might have guessed that I am a bunny! If you did, you'd be A-OK right!

I am blogging today about something very important: Ugly Bunnies. As you might have seen from Archibald's post yesterday, there have been, at times, some very scary looking bunnies. Today, Hoppity the Bunny would like assure you that scary bunnies are the exception and not the rule. But Hoppity would also like to remind you that, when provoked, us cute little bunnies can become dangerous, even outright fierce. The video below will probably explain better.

Thanks for letting me speak my mind and, don't forget, Easter's only 11 months away. Hippity, Hoppity!

Me, today, at work

Microsoft and I aren't getting along very well today. It's a lot like this scene from Office Space:

Let's Dance!

Courtesy of Ted Gideonse, of the Gideonse Bible.

Bunnies!

A Word About Spices

So, yesterday, a couple of my coworkers here at the Temporal Displacement Center and I went out for Thai food. Normally, I really like Thai food, and yesterday was no different, except for the fact that my testosterone was working a whole lot faster than my brain. Yassar, who is half Egyptian and half Mexican, and was seated next to me, inquired to the waiter about the possibility of having his dish made extra spicy.

"Sure," the waiter said.

Since I was to order next, well, I had no choice. "Extra spicy," I said, completely confident in my ability to both handle the fire and learn to love it. I am a man, after all.

Halfway into the dish, Yassar's eyes were watering; my entire head was covered in sweat. It was so bad that water was actually dripping down my face almost like the guy in Airplane! Yassar turned to me and said, "This is good, huh?"

I had to admit: it was damn tasty, but certain parts of my body were going numb and I was trying to drink enough water to keep myself from dehydrating-- such was the sweat factor at work here. About two-thirds of the way through, I finally acquiesced; the dish had won. Yassar, to his credit, kept on going and finished the entire meal.

But afterwards, all the way through about an hour after lunch, both of us were literally high, and pleasantly so, from the spice. I had heard about such a thing happening but never experienced it myself.

And I'm not sure I'll be brave enough to do it again.

In Honor of Earth Day

Since today is Earth Day, I figured this would be an appropriate post.

A New Song!

Baby Mormon Emily has written a new song and Weebs has been singing it. It goes as follows:

Dirty underwear,
Dirty underwear,
In your hair!
In your hair!

(repeat until too tired to sing)

What to do?

I am so ready for the weekend. Although I have nothing planned, it seems like it really needs to get here. I could go to Roux Bash, although it might be too hot for an outdoor party. Archibald isn't a fan of the heat. I thought about making a surprise visit to the Creech Textile factory, but I haven't contacted Sunshine and she'd probably tell me that Baby Mormon Emily is allergic to ostriches, which would make me quite sad.

This is the last weekend before the Jazz Fest, which also makes it the last weekend I will have friends for quite a long time, seeing as how I don't really care for the fest that much. So I am going to have to make the most of it. There is a benefit at the Bulldog on Saturday which could see me spending a great deal of time drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.

Sausage.

I feel terrible about Bad Repp's run of computer luck. I hope she gets it all together soon. Otherwise, I might cry.

Now onto the price of gas. I have a 17 gallon tank. I spend over sixty-five dollars to fill up my car. You do the math. To quote Sunshine, "It made me feel like a sad, greasy monkey." Amy Sedaris had an imaginary monkey.

Good day to all.

Archibald

Today, I am going to the dentist.

I know, I know, but Archibald, you don't have teeth, right? Well, that's not the point. I think dental hygiene is important no matter what kind of creature you are. Bad breath is REALLY annoying. So anywhoo, I'm having to change dentists because my hygenist changed dentists, and she knows how to do the prophy jet, one of the most amazing inventions in the world of dentistry. I happen to hate the cleaning thing where they rub stuff off of your teeth (beak). This prophy jet thingy (hell, I don't even know if I'm spelling it right) basically sandblasts your teeth. FUN!

So, yes, I work on the westbank and this new dentist's office is in KENNER, but, fuck it. I'm willing to drive for this procedure.

In another note, I love bacon. And most flavors of sausage. There, I said it.

Sunshine wants to get a labotomy for Christmas. That might be the smartest thing she's ever said.

If anybody sees Bad Rep's laptop, beat the crap out of the person who has it, put a really bad picture as her desktop picture and then return it to her immediately.

What's for Lunch?

I'm planning on having sushi for lunch. Can anybody tell me where I can go to find this serving platter? Also, please wish for me that the Tennou Sushi House has Lemonfish. I love Lemonfish. Me hungry for Lemonfish.

Heidi M. just told me that she saw Seniorita Caroline on her tricycle today in Jackson, MS, running errands as part of her job as a seamstress. She was balancing a barrel of cotton on her head and pedaling furiously on the southbound I-55. Great to see she's working hard toward her eventual citizenship. Also, Sunshine told me that she's found Hannah Montana translated into Spanish, so they can go ahead and have that karaoke birthday party for Seniorita Caroline after all.

William isn't invited, but he's REALLY busy as today is the last day to file taxes. There are many tax shelters in Venezuela and the Caymans to attend to, so Weebs isn't going to be partaking in any frivilous singing.

Emily, the Mormon Composer

The Baby Mormon Emily, already the most accomplished musician in the Creech household, has composed her first musical. It is called "Memory Lane," and is a story of her life since her birth. Although it is quite a short musical, critics agree that it is, by far, the best thing to come out of Baton Rouge since Jimmy Swaggart. Well done, Emily, member of the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints!

Strange Dream

Last night, I had a dream that I was a prisoner at some religious camp. Luckily, I ran into Elizabeth N. who was also there. They were making her dress like an Amish person in plaid. So, anyway, I snuck into her room and we made fun of the religious programs they were making us watch on T.V.

I have no idea what the dream really means, but I think it has a lot to do with seeing a documentary about these mindless buttholes:

Click here to Get Dirty For God

So, thanks for being there in the dream, Liz. For what it's worth, my roommate in the dream was my super boring bass player in my college band (His name was Paul. He had a trust fund and collected, like a serious collector, Hustler Magazine, in their original conditions. He had, like, ten years worth. Anyway, Paul ended up marrying a stripper who had a baby and then left him with the baby. But Paul is a story for another day). Suicide was a definite possibilty. Liz's plaid, Amish arrival saved everything.

Natalie's New Car

She is SOOOOO in love with this guy, that she had to buy her Jetta from him.

The Landlord

Hysterical.



But not to be outdone by the outtakes:

French Quarter Fest is Here!

Couldn't ask for nicer weather, also, which makes a big difference as this ostrich can't stand the heat.

Click here for food at the fest

I think I have my eye on the brisket and horseradish po-boy from Tujague's. There is plenty of booze at the FQ Fest, too, which makes for a happy Archibald. The Research Scientist plans on being in tow as well, so the day should be memorable, that is, until after the third Hurricane, after which all bets are off.

And now, here's a bunch of losers from last year's fest:

Mostly for Natalie

Gnat, one of these days, we're going to have to go head to head in an iron chef cookoff. I'm already calling this recipe.

Eggs Benedict

I have been very busy in my job as a Historical Displacement Specialist today. We had a lot of Historical Displacement to attend to. Therefore, I only have time to post this delicious picture of my favorite treat, Eggs Benedict, especially when your friend Sunshine steals the pork tenderloin off of your grill and hides it, and then, ten years later, refuses to admit that she did, in fact, hide the pork tenderloin.

Oh well. Happy Eggs Benedict Day!

New Section on the Right

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

On the right hand side, I've added a new section for "Books I've Burned." These are the books that I think have sucked the life out of me (the reader). If anybody has any others to share, I would be more than happy to add them and help to the good work to get them out of print.

20 Lame Fairy Tales

via Woot! - and my friend Jimmy B:

1. Rumpelstiltskin Vs. Predator
2. The Cockroach That Hid In Potato Chips
3. Vomitunzelrella
4. The Seven Ugly Stepsisters And Their Other Sister Who Looked Reasonably Cute In The Right Lighting
5. Thumbelina II: The Thumbening
6. The Enchanted 2-Bedroom, 1.5-Bath Craftsman Bungalow
7. The Emperor’s Clothes
8. Shaft in Narnia
9. Mr. Tapeworm’s Wild Ride
10. Aladdin and the Compact Fluorescent Lamp
11. The Tale Of Ned Van Winkle, Who Only Overslept By Half An Hour, But On The Morning Of An Important Job Interview
12. Beauty and The Geek, Season Five, Episode Three
13. The Wicked Witch Of The Greater Tri-County Area
14. How The Pelican Got A Bank Account
15. The Princess and The Pee
16. The Old Woman's Eviction From The Shoe
17. Wood: The Legend Of Pinocchio’s Awkward Puberty
18. Hansel and Kaitlynn
19. The Frog Went Down To Georgia
20. Sleeping Nice-Personality

Sunshine the Just

I just got off the phone with Sunshine. The baby mormon Emily was making noise. Weebs was making noise. Caroline was ill and making noise. Weebs put on his own diaper. Emily composed a symphony (she really is advanced for her age). After putting on his own diaper, Weebs went to work on a new tax shelter for the Creech family linens business. Caroline accidentally invented a hair thong. She's really getting the hang of the textile industry, that Spanish-speaking seniorita!

Sunshine was Just Sunshine.

I Heart This Picture

Courtesy of Found Magazine.

An Announcement

I am planning on blogging my new novel, tentatively titled "Wielding the Hamsterfish." If anyone is interested in reading the book, please leave a comment here, along with an email address (if you know I don't already have it) so I can set you up to receive an email when each chapter is posted. (I will also delete the comment so that your email address will not be on this blog in perpetuity).

Thanks,
Archibald

Amy Sedaris

I don't know how many of you know this, but I am a huge fan of Amy Sedaris. Anywhoo, I just found a website called AmySedarisRocks and it's filled with fun facts about the most insane person on the planet. The link is here:

Click Here for Amy Sedaris Rocks!

Also, she's a bit of a regular on David Letterman, but she's hysterical with the humorless Martha Stewart.

Mortar Launcher, Anyone?

Lemons, and, what I think about modern oak trees

Lemons. You see them everywhere, from the glass of water at your local sushi bar to the glass of water at your local Piccadilly Cafeteria. Lemons. They're bitter, yes, but a yummy kind of bitter. Better than bitter, but not better than butter. Which leads me to my first question: Is there anything better than butter? I would argue that bacon grease is probably better than butter, but just nominally so, although I cannot imagine a better fried egg than one produced in a skillet just after the bacon has come off.

Now, let's discuss the methodone clinic. No, let's not.

Surely there must be something we can talk about other than the fact that Tulane will be bombed on Monday because Salman Rushdie is speaking there (7 p.m. at Dixon Hall, radiation suits optional).

Now there's the matter of modern oak trees. Yes, they're pretty and old and all that, but there's the matter of the fact that we're about to enter caterpillar season, and there's no happier a place for a stinging caterpillar than an old oak tree. If you're walking down St. Charles Avenue anytime in the next month or so, I'd recommend bringing an umbrella, whether it's pouring down rain or sunny as hell. Unless you like the stinging welp of a caterpillar bite.

Natalie Depp, show your tits!!!

How to Recognize a Persian Cat

My Winning Steak

Skirt Steak... 20 minute marinade made with:

• Sangria
• White Vinegar
• Lemon Juice
• Worchestershire Sauce
• Spicy Chipotle Chili Powder
• Salt
• One Crushed Garlic Clove

I guarantee success. Last night's was the best steak I've made in centuries.

Be Careful

Big Brother and the Traffic Nazis are in effect in NOLA. I now officially no longer drive on Carrollton Avenue. Fucking douche bags. I'm pissed. Time to buy a fucking Toyota Echo.