Thursday, October 09, 2008

Rules for Halloween

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement or attic, especially if the power has gone out.

4. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or split up.

5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. On a dark night, never stand in, on, above, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

7. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

8. Do not take anything from the dead.

9. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take a hint and stay away.

10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

11. If you are running from a monster, expect to fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it is still moving fast enough to catch up to you.

12. If your companions suddenly begin uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

13. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, or any small town in Maine.

14. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to call for help.

15. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any weapon made from deceased companions.

1 comment:

Natalie said...

Never forget the part-electric guitar-part-powerdrill.