Hurricane Preparations

Since Hurricane Season officially starts in two days, a friend of mine asked me if I had any plans of my own. I said, yes, in fact, I do have plans, and here they are:

My hurricane evacuation recipe:

1 Laptop Computer

1 Telephone

Medicine and toiletries

24 Miller Lite Beers

1 Gallon Water

1 Cooler

4 Single Serving Chef Boyardee meals

1 Bag for everything else

Instructions:

-Combine laptop, telephone, medicine and toilitries in laptop case. Set aside.

-Into cooler, add cans of beer, gallon of water, chef boyardee. Cover with contents of icemaker. Drag to front door.

-Grab bag. In a panic and without looking, start packing things that feel like "clothes," stuffing as much as possible until bag barely zips. Throw in direction of front door.

-Realize you've forgotten your IPod. Rectify.

-Bitch at yourself for owning an Audi instead of a Jeep with mud tires (you could take the levee to BR). Get over it.

-1967 Fender Telecaster. There's room for that in the trunk.

Load everything in the car. Turn on 870 am and enjoy!

White Noise

Finished reading this morning. IMHO, It started off great, took a dip, and ended up okay. Quite thought provoking at many stages, but it just lacked something for me, not enough for me to stop reading, but, well, I might have to post a better report on this when I've fully digested what I've read.

Television

I pretty much only watch three types of things on my telly: 1. Soccer in England / Football in US. 2. Movies. 3. Food-related reality shows. I'm a huge fan of Hell's Kitchen and Top Chef. Gordon Ramsay is a freaking riot to watch as he belittles the (mostly) idiots he has cooking for him.

That's all I have to say, really.

Fun Google Image Search: Lard!!!

And of course, the lard sculpture:

Sunshine's New House

Since the adoption of young Weebs from Central America, with all of the money he has made them through several "questionable" offshore banking transactions, Sunshine and Simon would like to announce the purchase of their new estate, somewhere just off Bluebonnet in Baton Rouge. Although the house will only have seventeen bedrooms and three private ballrooms, Sunshine says this will have to do.

"Keeping up with the Nolands is a real bitch and, well, they just don't have a lot of proper mansions in the greater Baton Rouge area," she told me while shopping for her new Land Rover, after which she added, "I have two breasts and their names are Rita and Shelly, which is a good thing to have two of them as, of course, I should be having twins in the next ten to eleven months."

State of the Union

Research Scientist Ouch

The Research Scientst has been bedridden all week. She did something to her back and hasn't been able to sit up for any long stretches of time. This would suck and I feel terrible for her. So, that being said, I'm glad we didn't make any plans to go to the beach for the weekend. But, at the same time, I sure hope she's not bedridden the entire weekend, either, because that would be horrible.

Now, onto other news. Today is Kristy C.'s birthday. Happy Birthday.

Ishtar has flown back to Louisville, and boy are his arms tired!

Milk. It does a body good. (unless you're lactose intolerant, but I'll save that conversation for another day).

Happy weekend.

Love,
Archibald

Ishtar in the Hizzy

Being a historical displacement specialist, I am always on the lookout for new technological advances. That's why I called the diabolical hacker known as Ishtar. He's in town today to help me liberate data, because, as well all know, data, it wants to be free.

Anywhoo, once he successfully smuggled his camera, pda, cellphone, laptop, i-phone and circa 1984 IBM keyboard through customs, he met with me today at my lab. It was a hoot. We broke into NORAD and started playing a game called Global Thermonuclear War with a computer named WOPR. Then, all of a sudden, Ally Sheedy arrived. It really was a lot of fun. But now I'm getting worried. There are a bunch of guys getting out of a Ford Crown Victoria. They're wearing sunglasses and.....

Funny True Story

Wed May 21, 7:26 AM ET

TOKYO - When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught — recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help.

Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor's roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said.

He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet.

"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura," the bird told the veterinarian, according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs.

"We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we've found Yosuke," Uemura said.

The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years.

But Yosuke apparently wasn't keen on opening up to police officials.

"I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely ignored me," Uemura said.

Champions League Final

Today, 1:30 CST, from Moscow. Versus Manchester United. Couldn't think of a better matchup. I will let the DVR do its work and will be watching the minute I get home from work. ManU won the league, so today is all about revenge.

Nakatomi Plaza

Oh my God, the quarterback is TOAST!

I'm Agent Johnson, this is Special Agent Johnson. No relation.

All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.

Sister Teresa called me Mr McClane in the Third Grade. My friends call me John... and you're neither, shithead.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What have we here, gentlemen? The police have themselves an RV.

and then, my favorite:

John McClane: Is the building on fire?
Sergeant Al Powell: No, but it's gonna need a paint job and a shit load of screen doors.

Hungry?

A friend of mine sent this to me today. I thought I'd share.

Weekend Festivities

Nope, sorry, no Emeril's. We went to Herbsaint and it was AMAZING. Perfect gnocchi for an appetizer. I had lamb shoulder for the entree; the Research Scientist had the pork belly. Both were earth shatteringly good.

Now, about Heidi M. She did not puke during the race, but did, indeed, lose her lunch directly after crossing the finish line. Way to hold back!!! So, we were supposed to get together with her and Mr. Beer on Saturday night, but when I finally got in touch with them, Heidi said, "Well, right now we're at Rick's Caberet and I'm getting a lap dance." So I decided against meeting them. Anywhoo.

Instead, I cooked the Research Scientist Veal Piccata. I did a really amazing job. I know this because RS, a girl who usually picks at her food, cleaned her plate entirely.

On Sunday, I went shopping, as today is RS's birthday. I can't mention any of the things I got her because she might read this. Suffice it to say that I wasn't supposed to get anything, but I broke the rules and got her a few things she'll really like. Pink things. Girly things.

Free Nelson Mandela!

Wet Friday

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm sick of the rain. It's been going on for like three days straight. It's so bad that I can't even bury my head in the sand: there's no sand. It's all mud.

Now, on to more pressing items on the agenda. What's for dinner tonight. I'm taking the Research Scientist out for an early birthday. Pretty sure I'll be taking her to Emerils. She's never been and, well, the place is so amazingly delicious. Yep. That's it. I just made up my mind. So now, does anybody know anyone in the market for a new kidney? I'll need to hock mine in order to pay for dinner.

Also, Heidi M. will be in town with Mr. Beer for the Bar-a-Thon. Hopefully she doesn't puke on herself during the race.

Today's Google Image Search: Zombies!

Book Update

I've decided to read some short stories from "Girl With Curious Hair" by DFW, while waiting for his book, "Supposedly Fun Things I'll Never Do Again" to arrive from Amazon.

Just in case anybody cared.

Chili's

Today's post is a dumb post, but it's a post. I ate lunch at Chili's today, and do you know what they were out of?

Can you guess?

Tortilla chips. Yes, you heard it here first. They were out of chips. So, for the first time in my life, I got the chili. Quite the yum factor, actually. Had it with a turkey sandwich (not so good).

After lunch, I went to Target, where I bought white t-shirts and white socks.

(I told you this was going to be a crappy post.)

Heidi M. and Mr. Beer are going to be in town for the Bar-a-thon on Friday. Is anybody else coming? Bad Repp? It starts at Le Bon Temps, after all.

Finito!!!

Today, at lunch, I finished The Corrections. Great book. It's like losing an old friend. Bad Repp, if you read this, it's a great book and a must read. If you like good fiction. It's a bit sprawling but never seems to bog down, a real credit to the author.

Almost done with White Noise, but Delillo is starting to lose me a bit. I hope he shows up for the final 100 pages, but right now, I'm not nearly as emphatic in my praise for it (as compared to something like The Corrections) as I once was.

Not sure what is next in line. I was planning on a second Delillo, but I'm wary. I will wait on that one until after I finish White Noise. I tried to find a non-fiction book written by David Foster Wallace "A Supposed Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again: Essays and Arguments" at the Barnes and Noble, but the woman behind the counter (read: incompetent) said it never came out in paperback, and the hardcover was out of print. I doubted that the paperback never came out and, lo and behold, type David Foster Wallace in the search box and the second book listed (IN PAPERBACK) is the one I'm looking for. Now I'm screwed. The one book I am sure I want to read is available, but since I've finished The Corrections, I need a book IMMEDIATELY, otherwise, my 3 book system will fall immediately to pieces. So, it looks like my bookshelf will get a visit. But that's just it-- off the top of my head, I can't think of anything on my bookshelf screaming my name right now, which is why, of course, they're still on the bookshelf. Perhaps I will try and finish The Teatherballs of Bougainville, but, well, there was a reason I put it down in the first place. What to do, what to do...

The State of Archibald

Overall, things are going quite well. I've started working on my new project at work and, of course, it's already quite the masterpiece. My employers are mucho impressed.

The Research Scientist has been seen at Casa Archibald on a regular basis. We sometimes play Scrabble, but often, we do other things. I like to cook her appetizers, never entrees. She likes to do crossword puzzles and likes to change clothes nearly as often as Sunshine, and that's saying something! Also, she visited Mama Duck over the weekend for Mother's Day. We ate lamb chops, smoked salmon and artisan blue cheese. There was, of course, a good deal of champagne involved. (we also made out in the laundry room!!! he, he, he!!!)

This coming Monday is her birthday, so I've got to plan on doing something special. I was thinking about some kind of fancy-shmancy dinner out, maybe Emeril's or something. I've got an extra kidney to sell, right?

In other news, Heidi M. told me she has to sell her Ford Excursion because it gets 3 miles to the gallon and is costing her a thousand dollars a month to keep gassed up. (okay, I might be stretching it, but not by much.) I told her she should get a Vespa, but that's not particularly practical when you have three kids to tote around. How about a Vespa and a really big side car? I'll have to keep thinking on this one.

Good luck on grad school, Bad Repp.

The Research Scientist

This is her idea of a purse. I think she's got it mostly right.

New Film

I am obviously very excited to see this. Story of my life.

New Computer

My old laptop is at the edge of death, so it was time to buy a new laptop. I ended up getting a Dell. It's going to be black. It will be here in a few weeks. The new laptop will also be very fast.

Now, I guess all I need to do is wait. I'm not very good at waiting.

Shopping, Archibald Style

Sew, today, after work, I am heading on a grocery mission. First on the agenda is Rouse's, where I will be purchasing cat food, beer, paper towels and cigarettes. Next, I will be heading to Whole Foods (HEAVEN!!!) where I will collect the following necessities for Mother's Day: smoked salmon, shallots, lemons and goat cheese. Then that's where the fun begins.

I have recently developed an olive addiction, and nowhere can that addiction be better fed than at the Whole Paycheck. The Basque Olive Mix is a personal favorite. The other thing I like to do is buy caperberries and peppadews and make what I call a Mediterranean popsiscle. Basically, I stuff the caperberry into the peppadew and eat them at the same time. It's really awesome. You should all try one the next time you're at the Whole 401K.

Anywhoo, after replenishing my olive collection, I will peruse the cheeses, asking to taste at least three before settling on something particularly stinky. Stinky cheeses, if you can stand them, really are the tastiest. Lastly, I will probably get a 365 Key Lime Soda, head to the check out and hope I don't have to take out a small business loan in order to pay for my purchases.

I'm sure there will be a bottle of wine purchased somewhere in-between, although I am sure to steer clear of the ostrich meat for obvious reasons.

Wish me luck!

My fun google image search

Peaches:

Peaches and Herb!:

And, of course, a bunny:

Sunshine, Simon and Liz

Sunshine, her husband Simon, and their nanny, Elizabeth N., all went on vacation to the beach. They're staying at the Conquistador hotel in Fort Walton Beach, FL. Since they brought their nanny along, however, the kids had to be taken to the kennel. It's okay, though, because the kennel has specially trained robots who speak both Spanish and Mormon.

Weebs, of course, was left at home, as he has to finalize the tax shelter he is building for the new coal mining business in Zaire. Nevermind that there's no coal in Zaire. (Shhh.... it's a front.) Dare I say "counterfeit linens?" We'll just have to wait and see.

Charlie's Steak House

My carnivore will roar soon. Finally, probably the last restaurant to open since the storm will open in June. Yes, ladies and germs, Charlie's Steak House has been completely renovated. Filet or T-Bone? I am going to growl and gnarl. Anybody want to join me????

I cannot wait. Potatoes au gratin? Bleu Cheese salad wedge? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw; I am excited.

What is the What

Amazing book. Just finished. Highly recommended. Reshaped what I consider to be my place on the planet. I think that's saying a lot.

“I cannot recall the last time I was this moved by a novel. What Is the What is that rare book that truly deserves the overused and scarcely warranted moniker of ‘sprawling epic.’ Told with humor, humanity, and bottomless compassion for his subject, one Valentino Achak Deng, Eggers shows us the hardships, disillusions, and hopes of the long suffering people of southern Sudan. This is the story of one boy’s astonishing capacity to endure atrocity after atrocity and yet refuse to abandon decency, kindness, and hope for home and acceptance. It is impossible to read this book and not be humbled, enlightened, transformed. I believe I will never forget Valentino Achak Deng.”

—KHALED HOSSEINI, author of The Kite Runner

I cannot remember reading something that has stayed with me nearly as much as this book. If you don't read it, you're missing out on something incredible.

Fellatio

Fellatio. Cunnilingus. EMO. SMD. All great things. Except when interrupted by a period. Period.

Kentucky Derby

Tomorrow is the running of the Kentucky Derby. I am sad that I am not going to be there because, well, there are lots of beautiful women in hats. and not just any hats. DERBY hats.



So, since I'm not there and definitely not going to the Jazz Fest, this ostrich has to figure out something to do this weekend. The Research Scientist and I will probably head out to dinner tonight, but then what? Should we go fishing? Spelunking? Marinate a chicken breast?

Please. Comments and suggestions are very welcome.

Chelsea 3 - Liverpool 2

Frank Lampard's mom died from Pneumonia this past Thursday. From the BBC:

Pat Lampard, 58, died on Thursday after being admitted to hospital on 14 April. She was the wife of West Ham legend Frank senior.

Lampard, 29, sat out the Premier League games against Wigan and Everton to be at her bedside, but played in Tuesday's Champions League semi-final first leg at Liverpool after his mother's condition improved.

His participation in Tuesday's second leg at Stamford Bridge is also in doubt.

Grant said: "We are a close family here at Chelsea and all our sympathies are with him and his family. We just want to make sure that, when Frank comes back, we will still be fighting (for the Premier and Champions League titles). "

Then last night. I particularly like the second one: