Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Not enough hours

Because this ostrich requires an inordinate amount of sleep, I never seem to have the time to do all of the things my day requires. For instance, today, when I get off of work, I want to go to the grocery, take a nice long, brisk walk and then watch the Chelsea / Liverpool Champions League semi-final. But do you know what? I probably will not have enough time. This is due to a variety of problems.

Problem 1: My grocery store (Rouse's, a huge improvement over the old Sav A Center) never seems to stock the right kind of toilet paper. I'm a big fan of Kleenex Cottonelle, but somehow, they're always out. So I'll spend a good ten minutes having a conversation with my derriere in the toilet paper aisle deciding what to do. Ultimately, I will settle for something rough and scratchy, the kind of TP one usually finds in a truck stop.

Problem 2: It's becoming summer. This has me truly at wit's end. This bird doesn't particularly like the heat and humidity, which means this bird will ultimately find himself exercising at some gym of some kind. This will take more precious minutes away.

Problem 3: My maid has been gone since August of 2005 and since then, my house has become a landfill. There aren't enough hours in a month to deal with this problem. Yet, there it is (my house), festering around me.

Problem 4: My pussy needs to be shaved. (it is becoming summer, after all)

Problem 5: Does anybody ever find that one night, they might feel like cooking a chicken breast, but everybody knows that chicken can kind of suck if it's not marinated over night, and then, the next day, you're not so much in the mood for chicken? (frog legs, perhaps, or an olive salad?)

Problem 6: Blogging. It's an addiction and a curse.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Books I'm Reading

I'm coming to the end of the three books I'm reading at almost the exact same time. All three have been great reads although for totally different reasons.

First thing's first: I HEART Don Delillo. White Noise is simply the best thing I've read since Infinite Jest (David Foster Wallace), and for the people who know how I feel about that book, well, it's high praise indeed.

The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen has also been a great read. It's wacky, heartfelt and insanely real in a lot of ways that are both disturbing and comical. There's a particularly fecal scene on a cruise ship that is both wildly over the top, heartbreaking and somehow realistic all at the same time. If you've read the book, then you know what I'm talking about.

The third book (actually an audiobook) is What is the What by Dave Eggers. This is the autobiography of real-life Sudanese refugee Valentino Achak Deng written as a novel. I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. Let's just say that some people have been through more in their life by the age of ten than the rest of us will have to endure if we live to be a thousand. What's worse is, it's all true, documented and it just makes you angry what human beings are capable of doing to other human beings because they believe in another god and have a slightly different tint to the color of their skin. Or the fact that children can flee a war, walking across a country the size of Texas, end up in another country (Ethiopia) only to have that country have a civil war itself, at which time the refugees are forced back into their own country (Sudan) where they will be hunted, or be shot. And there isn't much time to make that decision because the bad guys from the new regime (in Ethiopia) are standing at your doorway with guns themselves.


Click here for more information on Valentino Achak Deng

I am a grammar snob

It's one of my biggest peeves: people who use incorrect grammar in emails. (God help me if I screw the grammar in this post!) I'm talking about the ones that people do EVERY DAMN DAY. The comma splice usually throws me for the biggest loop, grammatically speaking. This is our common, shared language, and most of my friends, it appears, are illiterate.

Then there's there:



But I think my biggest pet peeve of all is apostrophe abuse. Thanks to Bad Repp for linking this from her site:

Apostrophe Abuse

It's a plural, people, not a possessive.

(Spell checker was used for this post.)

Monday, April 28, 2008

Would you like fries with that?


Weekends full of rain, milky residue on the kitchen counter from God only knows what, a plate full of olives...

These are a few of my favorite things!

I have to admit, this past weekend was a complete blur, minus the one trip I took to World Market and Office Depot. Way, way too much rain. The good news:

1. Chelsea beat Manchester United to move into a tie for the lead with two games remaining.

2. The Hornets spanked the Mavs to move to within one game of heading to the next round.

The bad news:

I did jack shit all weekend. When I read Bad Repp's blog and saw all the stuff that she did, I was like, "Oh, I guess that's what people with lives do." Quite depressing, when I think about it. And maybe, just maybe, I'm mad at Bad Repp because she got to go to Seniorita Caroline's birthday party and I did not (only because I am a boy-- I shouldn't feel so bad; Knarf was also rejected, and his masculinity is questionable at best).

The okay news:

I very much enjoyed the Inside the Actors Studio with Dave Chappelle, and only saw it because it was raining and there was nothing else on. He's a very funny, sick dude.

Finally, I think Sunshine should name her new twins (she's pregnant AGAIN, and it's twins) Gilbert and Sullivan.

That is all.

Archibald

Friday, April 25, 2008

Blogging the Bunny

Hi. My name's Hoppity and I've temporarily taken over Archibald's account. I hope you don't mind.

Anyway, since my name is Hoppity, you might have guessed that I am a bunny! If you did, you'd be A-OK right!

I am blogging today about something very important: Ugly Bunnies. As you might have seen from Archibald's post yesterday, there have been, at times, some very scary looking bunnies. Today, Hoppity the Bunny would like assure you that scary bunnies are the exception and not the rule. But Hoppity would also like to remind you that, when provoked, us cute little bunnies can become dangerous, even outright fierce. The video below will probably explain better.

Thanks for letting me speak my mind and, don't forget, Easter's only 11 months away. Hippity, Hoppity!

Me, today, at work

Microsoft and I aren't getting along very well today. It's a lot like this scene from Office Space:

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Let's Dance!

Courtesy of Ted Gideonse, of the Gideonse Bible.

Bunnies!



Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Word About Spices



So, yesterday, a couple of my coworkers here at the Temporal Displacement Center and I went out for Thai food. Normally, I really like Thai food, and yesterday was no different, except for the fact that my testosterone was working a whole lot faster than my brain. Yassar, who is half Egyptian and half Mexican, and was seated next to me, inquired to the waiter about the possibility of having his dish made extra spicy.

"Sure," the waiter said.

Since I was to order next, well, I had no choice. "Extra spicy," I said, completely confident in my ability to both handle the fire and learn to love it. I am a man, after all.

Halfway into the dish, Yassar's eyes were watering; my entire head was covered in sweat. It was so bad that water was actually dripping down my face almost like the guy in Airplane! Yassar turned to me and said, "This is good, huh?"

I had to admit: it was damn tasty, but certain parts of my body were going numb and I was trying to drink enough water to keep myself from dehydrating-- such was the sweat factor at work here. About two-thirds of the way through, I finally acquiesced; the dish had won. Yassar, to his credit, kept on going and finished the entire meal.

But afterwards, all the way through about an hour after lunch, both of us were literally high, and pleasantly so, from the spice. I had heard about such a thing happening but never experienced it myself.

And I'm not sure I'll be brave enough to do it again.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

In Honor of Earth Day

Since today is Earth Day, I figured this would be an appropriate post.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A New Song!

Baby Mormon Emily has written a new song and Weebs has been singing it. It goes as follows:

Dirty underwear,
Dirty underwear,
In your hair!
In your hair!

(repeat until too tired to sing)

What to do?

I am so ready for the weekend. Although I have nothing planned, it seems like it really needs to get here. I could go to Roux Bash, although it might be too hot for an outdoor party. Archibald isn't a fan of the heat. I thought about making a surprise visit to the Creech Textile factory, but I haven't contacted Sunshine and she'd probably tell me that Baby Mormon Emily is allergic to ostriches, which would make me quite sad.

This is the last weekend before the Jazz Fest, which also makes it the last weekend I will have friends for quite a long time, seeing as how I don't really care for the fest that much. So I am going to have to make the most of it. There is a benefit at the Bulldog on Saturday which could see me spending a great deal of time drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.

Sausage.

I feel terrible about Bad Repp's run of computer luck. I hope she gets it all together soon. Otherwise, I might cry.

Now onto the price of gas. I have a 17 gallon tank. I spend over sixty-five dollars to fill up my car. You do the math. To quote Sunshine, "It made me feel like a sad, greasy monkey." Amy Sedaris had an imaginary monkey.

Good day to all.

Archibald

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Today, I am going to the dentist.

I know, I know, but Archibald, you don't have teeth, right? Well, that's not the point. I think dental hygiene is important no matter what kind of creature you are. Bad breath is REALLY annoying. So anywhoo, I'm having to change dentists because my hygenist changed dentists, and she knows how to do the prophy jet, one of the most amazing inventions in the world of dentistry. I happen to hate the cleaning thing where they rub stuff off of your teeth (beak). This prophy jet thingy (hell, I don't even know if I'm spelling it right) basically sandblasts your teeth. FUN!

So, yes, I work on the westbank and this new dentist's office is in KENNER, but, fuck it. I'm willing to drive for this procedure.

In another note, I love bacon. And most flavors of sausage. There, I said it.

Sunshine wants to get a labotomy for Christmas. That might be the smartest thing she's ever said.

If anybody sees Bad Rep's laptop, beat the crap out of the person who has it, put a really bad picture as her desktop picture and then return it to her immediately.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

What's for Lunch?



I'm planning on having sushi for lunch. Can anybody tell me where I can go to find this serving platter? Also, please wish for me that the Tennou Sushi House has Lemonfish. I love Lemonfish. Me hungry for Lemonfish.

Heidi M. just told me that she saw Seniorita Caroline on her tricycle today in Jackson, MS, running errands as part of her job as a seamstress. She was balancing a barrel of cotton on her head and pedaling furiously on the southbound I-55. Great to see she's working hard toward her eventual citizenship. Also, Sunshine told me that she's found Hannah Montana translated into Spanish, so they can go ahead and have that karaoke birthday party for Seniorita Caroline after all.

William isn't invited, but he's REALLY busy as today is the last day to file taxes. There are many tax shelters in Venezuela and the Caymans to attend to, so Weebs isn't going to be partaking in any frivilous singing.

Emily, the Mormon Composer


The Baby Mormon Emily, already the most accomplished musician in the Creech household, has composed her first musical. It is called "Memory Lane," and is a story of her life since her birth. Although it is quite a short musical, critics agree that it is, by far, the best thing to come out of Baton Rouge since Jimmy Swaggart. Well done, Emily, member of the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Strange Dream



Last night, I had a dream that I was a prisoner at some religious camp. Luckily, I ran into Elizabeth N. who was also there. They were making her dress like an Amish person in plaid. So, anyway, I snuck into her room and we made fun of the religious programs they were making us watch on T.V.

I have no idea what the dream really means, but I think it has a lot to do with seeing a documentary about these mindless buttholes:

Click here to Get Dirty For God

So, thanks for being there in the dream, Liz. For what it's worth, my roommate in the dream was my super boring bass player in my college band (His name was Paul. He had a trust fund and collected, like a serious collector, Hustler Magazine, in their original conditions. He had, like, ten years worth. Anyway, Paul ended up marrying a stripper who had a baby and then left him with the baby. But Paul is a story for another day). Suicide was a definite possibilty. Liz's plaid, Amish arrival saved everything.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Natalie's New Car

She is SOOOOO in love with this guy, that she had to buy her Jetta from him.

The Landlord

Hysterical.



But not to be outdone by the outtakes:

French Quarter Fest is Here!

Couldn't ask for nicer weather, also, which makes a big difference as this ostrich can't stand the heat.

Click here for food at the fest

I think I have my eye on the brisket and horseradish po-boy from Tujague's. There is plenty of booze at the FQ Fest, too, which makes for a happy Archibald. The Research Scientist plans on being in tow as well, so the day should be memorable, that is, until after the third Hurricane, after which all bets are off.

And now, here's a bunch of losers from last year's fest:

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Mostly for Natalie

Gnat, one of these days, we're going to have to go head to head in an iron chef cookoff. I'm already calling this recipe.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Eggs Benedict

I have been very busy in my job as a Historical Displacement Specialist today. We had a lot of Historical Displacement to attend to. Therefore, I only have time to post this delicious picture of my favorite treat, Eggs Benedict, especially when your friend Sunshine steals the pork tenderloin off of your grill and hides it, and then, ten years later, refuses to admit that she did, in fact, hide the pork tenderloin.

Oh well. Happy Eggs Benedict Day!

Monday, April 07, 2008

New Section on the Right

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

On the right hand side, I've added a new section for "Books I've Burned." These are the books that I think have sucked the life out of me (the reader). If anybody has any others to share, I would be more than happy to add them and help to the good work to get them out of print.

20 Lame Fairy Tales

via Woot! - and my friend Jimmy B:

1. Rumpelstiltskin Vs. Predator
2. The Cockroach That Hid In Potato Chips
3. Vomitunzelrella
4. The Seven Ugly Stepsisters And Their Other Sister Who Looked Reasonably Cute In The Right Lighting
5. Thumbelina II: The Thumbening
6. The Enchanted 2-Bedroom, 1.5-Bath Craftsman Bungalow
7. The Emperor’s Clothes
8. Shaft in Narnia
9. Mr. Tapeworm’s Wild Ride
10. Aladdin and the Compact Fluorescent Lamp
11. The Tale Of Ned Van Winkle, Who Only Overslept By Half An Hour, But On The Morning Of An Important Job Interview
12. Beauty and The Geek, Season Five, Episode Three
13. The Wicked Witch Of The Greater Tri-County Area
14. How The Pelican Got A Bank Account
15. The Princess and The Pee
16. The Old Woman's Eviction From The Shoe
17. Wood: The Legend Of Pinocchio’s Awkward Puberty
18. Hansel and Kaitlynn
19. The Frog Went Down To Georgia
20. Sleeping Nice-Personality

Sunshine the Just

I just got off the phone with Sunshine. The baby mormon Emily was making noise. Weebs was making noise. Caroline was ill and making noise. Weebs put on his own diaper. Emily composed a symphony (she really is advanced for her age). After putting on his own diaper, Weebs went to work on a new tax shelter for the Creech family linens business. Caroline accidentally invented a hair thong. She's really getting the hang of the textile industry, that Spanish-speaking seniorita!

Sunshine was Just Sunshine.

I Heart This Picture


Courtesy of Found Magazine.

Friday, April 04, 2008

An Announcement

I am planning on blogging my new novel, tentatively titled "Wielding the Hamsterfish." If anyone is interested in reading the book, please leave a comment here, along with an email address (if you know I don't already have it) so I can set you up to receive an email when each chapter is posted. (I will also delete the comment so that your email address will not be on this blog in perpetuity).

Thanks,
Archibald

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Amy Sedaris

I don't know how many of you know this, but I am a huge fan of Amy Sedaris. Anywhoo, I just found a website called AmySedarisRocks and it's filled with fun facts about the most insane person on the planet. The link is here:

Click Here for Amy Sedaris Rocks!

Also, she's a bit of a regular on David Letterman, but she's hysterical with the humorless Martha Stewart.

Mortar Launcher, Anyone?

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Lemons, and, what I think about modern oak trees

Lemons. You see them everywhere, from the glass of water at your local sushi bar to the glass of water at your local Piccadilly Cafeteria. Lemons. They're bitter, yes, but a yummy kind of bitter. Better than bitter, but not better than butter. Which leads me to my first question: Is there anything better than butter? I would argue that bacon grease is probably better than butter, but just nominally so, although I cannot imagine a better fried egg than one produced in a skillet just after the bacon has come off.


Now, let's discuss the methodone clinic. No, let's not.

Surely there must be something we can talk about other than the fact that Tulane will be bombed on Monday because Salman Rushdie is speaking there (7 p.m. at Dixon Hall, radiation suits optional).

Now there's the matter of modern oak trees. Yes, they're pretty and old and all that, but there's the matter of the fact that we're about to enter caterpillar season, and there's no happier a place for a stinging caterpillar than an old oak tree. If you're walking down St. Charles Avenue anytime in the next month or so, I'd recommend bringing an umbrella, whether it's pouring down rain or sunny as hell. Unless you like the stinging welp of a caterpillar bite.

Natalie Depp, show your tits!!!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

How to Recognize a Persian Cat


My Winning Steak

Skirt Steak... 20 minute marinade made with:
  • Sangria
  • White Vinegar
  • Lemon Juice
  • Worchestershire Sauce
  • Spicy Chipotle Chili Powder
  • Salt
  • One Crushed Garlic Clove

I guarantee success. Last night's was the best steak I've made in centuries.

Be Careful


Big Brother and the Traffic Nazis are in effect in NOLA. I now officially no longer drive on Carrollton Avenue. Fucking douche bags. I'm pissed. Time to buy a fucking Toyota Echo.