A picture of Sausage for Sunshine

Dreams

Last night, I had a dream that I was back in college having to take a French exam. AGAIN!!! It's a brutal dream because of my well documented problems getting out of French in the first place. (Yes, before Tommy Boy came out, I was the kid running across campus screaming "I got a D Minus!!!") So, worse than anything, I also had to write my answers in pencil on some man's driveway. Furthermore, since my recall of French has become pretty much non-existent, I had no idea how to express my answers to the questions.

I blame all of this on Natalie's blog, btw.

Sunshine phoned last night to inform me that she is waiting for Guffman.

My office

The first floor of my building smells like my old day camp at Kehoe France. Those were some of the best times of my life. I remember an entire summer playing tennis ball baseball, the most fun game ever invented. I miss camp and wish I were there right now (although, because it's raining, we wouldn't be able to play tennis ball baseball and would be, instead, in the gym being bored shitless, so I guess I should watch what I wish for.

Seniorita Caroline called me last night to ask me (in Spanish) if I needed her to sew me a thong. "Ostiches don't wear thongs," I replied in English to an utterly befuddled Caroline. Then William got on the phone and told me in some pretty decent English (he's taking to the language a little more quickly; I think he's at the right age), "I love pizza. And baths."

Simon the Burly Soldier then took the phone and told them, "Get back to work or you're sleeping in the garage again."

Ah, family life!

It's Raining in my Office

Drip, drip, drip. It's a fantastic sound, especially since it ruined a bunch of my database diagrams. Fuck.

The price of gas

I like this picture, although I doubt it would go down well in a Mexican restaurant. Beans, beans, wonderful fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot!

Tonight, I will be receiving a visit from the research scientist. We're going to drink champagne and I'm going to cook her some Albondingas (spanish meatballs). And then she's going to sleep over. We might have a pillow fight; it's cool if the pillow breaks open because we can just fill it back up with my excess feathers (I'm shedding a little lately. It might be early onset Alzheimer's).

I'm thinking about starting a wedding band and singing songs from the 80's. I wanted to call the band "Cantankerous," but Sunshine says she's already claimed that name.

In other Sunshine related news, the two new hispanic children (Caroline and William) the Creech family adopted are doing really well in their new jobs. Sunshine has already taught the eldest, Caroline, how to sew her counterfeit linens and says she should be ready for the sweat shop in a month or so. And William has been teaching his mom how to make tortillas from wood shavings. Although Sunshine won't eat them herself, this should be a great way to feed the kids, keeping food costs low.

Adios!

Slices of Heaven

I've decided that I really love pizza, so much so, that I might turn into a pizza.

That being said, I really don't like broccoli, so much so, that when I smell it, I become physically ill.

Another thing I really like is La Boca Steakhouse on Fulton Street. The research scientist and I are thinking about making a visit there again on Friday night. They have a fabulous hanger steak and really good asparagus.

Something I don't like very much is Utah. Mormons everywhere.

What I do like, however, is St. Maarten. They have really cheap booze and a lot of swim-up bars. This makes an ostrich very happy indeed! There's a game they play at the end of the runway in STM where you try to stand up when the planes fly over (because they're so damn close). Pretty much everybody falls down when the planes arrive, at least when the big 747s come in. The bar at the end of the runway has a chalkboard that lists the arrival times of the bi planes so that people can go (with their drinks in hand) and stand at the end of the runway and try to stand up. The picture tells the whole story.

Fun With the Kids

So it turns out Sunshine (while not capable of having anything but Mormons) and Simon have adopted two children, named Caroline and William, from a very poor country in Central America.

Simon came to NOLA on Saturday to take his new family to the Zoo, but after speaking with me, we thought taking them to the track would be a real hoot. And since Caroline and William only speak Spanish, they really didn't know what they were missing. Simon said "caballo," and the kids laughed and clapped.

So we arrived sometime before the third race. Simon plopped the kids up on the bar while we did a couple of vodka shots and chased them with some whiskey sours, which, I have to admit, weren't as awful as I thought they'd be. In the interest of keeping the kids excitement to a minimum, Simon got them a couple of daquiris.

For the third race, while she was still awake, Simon let Caroline pick the race for him. He held her up to the betting machine and she pushed a couple of numbers and ordered an exacta. The odds ended up being something like 180-1, but since Simon had only put a couple of bucks in the machine, he wasn't too upset, although he did slap her upside her head. "Parenting," he said. "You have to teach them the value of gambling at a young age."

And sure enough, Caroline's exacta hit and Simon was awash with money. "I think it's time to hit the strip club," Simon said.

We piled the now drunk and happily sleeping kids into the minivan, drove over to Downman Road and went into Visions Men's Club. With Caroline and William sleeping happily on the bar, Simon had fifteen lap dances until William puked up his red daquiri. Poor William! It got all over his LSU hat and a little bit of it got into Caroline's hair. Simon, being the very good parent he is, got a couple of bar napkins and wiped most of the vomit from William's face, after which, he sighed, got his last lap dance, threw the kids in the back of the minivan and drove his drunk ass back to Baton Rouge.

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

I have a serious new addiction to Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. It's this amazing show on BBC where this really famous chef goes into failing restaurants and makes them work (for the most part). Some of the shit going on behind the scenes in these places is so appalling that it's amazing that they ever managed to stay in business in the first place. Which brings me to my bitch of the day:


I went to Langenstiens to get some Yellowfin Tuna for Valentine's Day dinner with the research scientist. Normally, I would consider them to be top notch purveyors of fish; with fish you really have to be careful, but, well, it seems that even they are slipping. The tuna, while not completely bad, tasted strongly enough of fish that I knew it was past its prime, which is sad, because that's what I made us for dinner. Well, that and some really amazing asparagus. So I guess it's now nothing but Whole Foods and the $19.99 a pound ahi. What a pain in the ass!

Sunshine and Simon

Finally, photographic evidence! Sunshine IS NOT pregnant. This picture of Sunshine and Simon was taken yesterday outside the I-55 Stuckey's in Hammond, LA. Clearly, here we can see both the fact that Sunshine is NOT pregnant, but that she has aged quite a bit, whereas Simon hasn't changed one iota.


I feel better already.

Hmm...

I'm pretty sure this photo speaks for itself. God bless New Orleans!

My Old Boss

Click here to see what happens when you can get away with murder

Luigi and the Research Scientist at Mardi Gras

An Update for Natalie

As per Natalie's request, I will now post updated information on the spies who live 4 blocks from my house.

Click Here for Espionage

Also, I need to say that I've had two cigarettes today. Quit day is a week from yesterday, so wish me luck.

Saturday, Chelsea vs. Huddersfield 5th Round FA Cup match will be on Fox Soccer Channel at 11:00 a.m. central time.

This weekend promises to be very interesting. There's the game, of course, but then Sunday, I'm bringing the research scientist over to my mom's house to meet the rents and my Grandmother, whose 88th birthday will be on Sunday. Needless to say, at her advanced age, she is rather hard of hearing and sometimes just hears what she wants to hear. I hope the research scientist isn't too frightened.

In other news, I have decided to give up panic attacks for a while. They're such a pain in the ass and, well, they're also _so_ 1998. It's a new decade. No more panic attacks. We'll see how long this lasts. Probably as long as Sunshine's fake pregnancy.

Streetcar Accident?

Apparently, two streetcars got in a head to head accident today on Canal Street. How is that possible?

Streetcars Collide

Also, somebody was arrested this morning around the corner from my house for Espionage. Not murder. Not gang activity. Espionage.

This has been a very strange Monday indeed.

One more thing: I have only had one cigarette today.

Whew!!!

I've been tired since Mardi Gras, which, as you can tell from these headlines, was really, really a lot of work. But I'm finally done with all that foolishness and ready to get back to what I do best: drink more mimosas.


I'm happy to report that Big Brother, Mardi Gras Style, went off without anybody being kicked off the premesis. I guess this means that next season will be hosted by Marie Osmond.


On the book-reading front, I just finished Absurdistan. A few words about this book: Funny, yeah, sometimes. But I found it mostly to be disgusting for the sake of disgusting and really, although I finally saw an arc in the character, the trip from a. to b. happened far too suddenly, right there at the end as if the author just couldn't keep writing anymore. I'm glad he made that decision because I was done with the book. I give it a C+. Only read it if you want to be mildly amused and like to hear about (often) about a first person narrator's mangled penis.


Finally, I would like to thank Simon the Burly Soldier for removing the last of Disco Darryl from his home. Life is much better that way.

Happy Mardi Gras

In case anybody is in a bad mood, this will solve that problem immediately:

http://www.linein.org/media/screenclean.swf

Look for me on the route. I'll be the one in feathers with a bow tie and a top hat.

Too Many Mimosas!!!

Heidi Melia is a hooker. She charges 75 cents for a blow job. For an extra dollar, she'll let you probe her anus with an unsharpened pencil.

Therein lies the problem. First, it's an established fact that Heidi doesn't suck cock. Second, (although for just a dollar, it's worth the money) who in their right mind would want to probe her anus with an unsharpened pencil?

Luckily, I have a really powerful computer on loan from NASA. I entered the above information into my new computer and after stuttering for a while and spewing smoke, it came up with this answer (and I quote):

"Lips bring pleasant folks the anus of infinity."

Followed by:

"Fuck while you can; the flacid, they die."

So there's that, for what it's worth.

Spotted!!!

Sunshine and Liz are away on vacation. They're in Vegas. Is it just me, or does Sunshine actually look pregnant in this picture? It's hard to tell. If she's planning on having a baby, she needs to move to Utah where it can grow up and be a mormon in peace.

Also, I'm very excited about the new shopping venue opening in NOLA. It's called the French Market and it is a place where you can buy fruits and vegetables from abroad and, if the right boat comes in, you can get some slaves, fresh from Africa!

God Bless the USA!!!

Archibald's Election Guide

Well, okay, it's not mine, but it's certainly helpful, especially for an alien like myself. Finally, now I know who I'm dealing with.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html

Hope this helps!

Just to make Mardi Gras Big Brother more fun

Booohhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Beer probably doesn't like this idea very much.